forty-five: in which she closes a chapter

"So follow your hearts tonight; one more chance, one last time" –Gemini, Do It For Love

********************************

"Baby, breathe," Jake said, and I could hear no exasperation in his voice at all, which was just remarkable. "Ready?"

Closing my eyes, I replied, "Okay. I'm ready."

The low hum of the needle started again, as it bit into my skin, hammering against my ribs, and I had to clench my jaw. Lying on my left side, cheek pressed into the cool leather of the tattoo chair, I tried to focus on something else – anything else – aside from the vibrations humming through my ribs and the pain that brought.

Like how Jake's private room in Ghost's tattoo parlor, Zen, was really small but the white walls were covered in his intricate artwork, so that wherever you looked, you saw a piece of him.

Like how Jake had put his iPhone in the docking system, and Florence Welch's unfailing high notes filled the room while he worked on me.

Like how the window was open, and the cool, nighttime breeze made the sheer curtains billow like feathers in the wind.

Like how I could only come here late at night because the daytime was too busy, and I wasn't quite ready to face a lot of people. Melissa said that that was normal, after the trauma that I'd been through. Was it normal to be getting a tattoo after eleven p.m. on a weeknight?

The needle idled. Jake wiped at my skin. The needle began to pound into my side once more.

"Virgin skin," Jake had remarked at the start, watching me take my T-shirt off. "My favorite."

I had blushed, asked him to shut up, and told him the image I wanted. He had sat down and sketched out the bones of it for me, and only fleshed it out once I approved. Jake's drawings were beautiful. Vivid. And I knew I didn't want anyone else but him to ink me up.

Now, after what felt like hours and hours of torture, I was regretting it. It was taking so long because I was such a wuss and each time I made some sort of noise or movement, Jake would stop. Plus, he was a perfectionist.

"Almost done," Jake muttered, dabbing at my side again. He paused. "You okay, sweetness?"

"It's not that...bad," I lied.

He chuckled. "A nurse who's afraid of needles. The irony."

"Jake," I mumbled, "shut up."

"So when you're taking blood from an old lady, whose eyes are closed – yours, or hers?"

"When we're done, I'll tattoo I should've shut up onto your tongue."

"Kinky. I like it."

"Stop talking!"

Laughing a little too sadistically for my liking, he started inking my skin again, and I focused on ignoring the controlled burn the needle brought each time it pierced my skin.

"How does it look?" I ventured, biting into my lower lip when the needle hit a particularly tender spot.

Jake wiped at my skin with the cloth. "Wait and see, babe."

I rolled my eyes, even though Jake couldn't see me doing it. After that, I didn't say anything, aside from answer him when he would occasionally ask me if I was fine, good, or alright. His eyes were just as piercing as the needle, and the goosebumps dotting my flesh had nothing to do with the draft in the room and everything to do with his heated gaze.

Eventually, he was saying that he was cleaning the area, and could I get up so that he could bandage me up?

I pulled myself upright, feeling stiff all over, and Jake helped me to stand. The sight of the roll of bandaging in his hand reminded me of my stint in the hospital. Before he could cover up his artwork, I walked over to the mirror and turned to my side, wanting to take a peek.

The little birdcage – the size of my thumb – was just above the waistband of my leggings. The cage door was open, and the first dove was only halfway out. It looked like the second dove was stretching its right wing out to the first dove, as if they were holding hands like humans. Those were my parents. Above them, inching along my ribcage, two other doves were flying free, one bigger than the other – my aunt Stacy and my cousin Ella – and then there was the ostentatious dove that looked like it was flying in a different direction, back into the cage. Definitely Sharon, Jake's mother. Finally, there was a scrawny-looking bird that flew way above the rest. That little guy's name was Sticks.

"Do you like it?"

Jake had come up beside me, and despite how talented he was, his voice was uncertain.

I turned to face him. "I love it."

"Good." His lips lifted into a smile. I stood patiently still while he put the bandage on and handed me my T-shirt. "Maya...are you still positive you don't want me to take care of...of your leg?"

I pulled my T-shirt on, looking in the mirror. Even as he said the words, I felt the burning sensation in my thigh. David. "I'm sure, Jake."

"It would be a beautiful tat. Would cover the whole thing and –"

"It's fine. No matter what I'd do to cover it up, I'd still know it was there. I'd be able to feel it."

He let out a heavy breath through his mouth. "I just want to make it better."

"You are," I told him, putting my arms around his neck and looking up at him. I could feel how fast his heart was beating, could feel the little hoops in his nipples through both our T-shirts. "I love you."

His forehead touched mine. "I love you, too."

***

"Okay. Explain it to me one more time," said Jake, taking another bite out of my piece of cold, jam-slathered toast and putting it back onto the plate that was balancing precariously on my pajama-clad lap. "Why does this Reddington guy have such a hard-on for this Elizabeth chick?"

"This is just the pilot episode," I replied, slapping his hand away when he went for another bite. "Be patient, and just watch."

His arm behind the back of my head on the couch came around my shoulders. "I can't focus on anything but how his voice is exactly like how it was in The Avengers. So that's what Ultron looks like in real life. Disappointing."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "I give up," I said through my laughter, leaning forward and shutting down my laptop that was sitting on the coffee table in front of me. "I guess we're watching Duck Dynasty, then." I grabbed the remote and leaned back into the couch, turning the TV on.

"Ah. My plan all along," he said with an evil laugh, but he took the remote from me and switched the TV off, setting my plate on the table. "Actually...since we've got the place to ourselves for once, I was thinking of doing something else."

I stared at him. "Like?"

"Follow me."

He didn't give me a second to process anything before he was on his feet, hand extended to me. Sighing, I took it, letting him help me up.

"Melissa was saying some ѕhit about being more...romantic without sex," Jake was saying, leading me out the back door, "and I guess I can deal with that. I mean, I'd rather have blue balls than a black heart. Fuсk, I should really write that down. Poetic."

He let my hand go so that he could take out a piece of notepaper from the pocket of his gray sweats. "Blue balls... Black heart..." he said, more to himself than to me, and that was okay, because I was too distracted by the spread outside on the grass.

"It's brunch, baby," he explained, pushing a hank of his dirt-blonde hair out of his forehead.

He stepped off the patio and onto the grass, hand out once more. "You gonna join me, or just keep standing there with your mouth open like you want my coсk to fill it?"

Okay, that snapped me out of my daze. Scowling, I pushed his hand away and walked past him to the fleece throw he'd used as a picnic blanket.

"I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that, Jacob."

"What? I'm a visual person. I can't help it."

Unlike his neighbors', Jake's backyard had a wall around it instead of a picket fence, and it was perfectly manicured, with an apple tree in one corner and rose bushes he insisted were weeds.

I sat down on the blanket, and he followed suit, still grinning like a child. "I thought Melissa was just a know-it-all bitch with a degree in fuсking-up your head," I said, gesturing at the food, which just had to be our therapist's idea.

"Well, she knows some ѕhit. I like taking your breath away."

He smiled.

I smiled back.

My stomach rumbled. Loudly.

Jake didn't even bother to hide his laughter. "Okay, woman. Here's what we have." He removed the lid of one plate. "This...is an oven-baked omelet. You're welcome in advance."

He put a fork into it and brought a piece of it up to my mouth. My lips obediently parted, my eyes locked with his.

The instant my mouth closed around the tines of the fork, my eyes slid shut, too. The overwhelming taste of peppers, thyme, rosemary and tomato exploded on my taste-buds, and I actually moaned. Not too loud, but loud enough that it felt way too sexual.

"Amazing," I whispered, hankering for another bite. My eyes opened. Jake's darkened gaze was on me. "You're amazing."

His hand reached out and his thumb wiped at the corner of my mouth. "So are you, Maya Fenton. So are you."

He lifted another lid. "Chocolate-chip pancakes. My ma's recipe."

"You had me at chocolate."

"I happen to speak your language." He took a knife in his other hand and cut me a small slice, bringing the fork to my mouth. "Taste it."

I obliged, keeping my eyes open. It wasn't supposed to be but this was erotic as much as it was romantic. For all intents and purposes, Jake feeding me shouldn't have been turning me on, but it was, and beneath my gray-and-purple flannel pajamas, my сlit was throbbing.

I let him feed me breakfast enchiladas, bacon-wrapped chicken fillet in sweet bread rolls, and sinful brownies. I let him give me sips of a purple cocktail that tasted like litchi and vodka. I let him feed me until I had to lie down on the blanket because I was so stuffed.

"When did you make all this?" I asked belatedly, watching him finish whatever I hadn't been able to.

"Woke up at two. You were asleep. Obviously," he said, his mouth full of a bacon-wrapped chicken breast.

"You," I began, "are a crazy man. Do you know that?"

"Yeah. I know." He pushed the plates aside, making space for his long body beside me. "I'm crazy for you." He brought his face closer, until I could feel his breath on my skin, as warm as the noon sun in the sky. His fingers were in my hair, which was loose in a mass of curls around my face. "You're so fuсking beautiful. Why are you so fuсking beautiful?"

I caressed his cheek, marveling at the soft skin there. He'd shaved.

I didn't know who moved first, but his mouth was slanted over mine, a hand on my cheek and his tongue gently licking my lips, asking for entrance which I freely gave. I grabbed him by the hair and kissed him back, silently asking him to cover my body with his. He did, kissing his way from my mouth to my neck, a hand slipping up my pajama top and covering my right breast. I moaned, and he pulled his head back, eyes boring into mine.

"We can just kiss," he said, his breathing ragged. I could feel his erection pressing into my hip. "Anything you want."

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. Sex hadn't interested me since...after what had happened. Melissa had said that it was perfectly normal. I wasn't shying away from intimacy — Jake loved to touch me and I loved to touch him — but full-on sex? I hadn't been up for that for a while. And Jake knew that. Respected that. But I wanted him...now. I love him.

I sat up, tugging my top off and baring my naked breasts. Jake's mouth went slack-jawed.

"You don't...have to," he choked out, watching me stand.

I pulled my pants down, and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to feel desired. I knew he desired me, craved me, needed me — but I hadn't wanted him to.

Now...I did.

"Come inside," I beckoned Jake, and completely naked, I walked back into the house.

And nearly collided with Baron in the living room.

I screeched, covering my breasts with both arms. He seemed to belatedly register that I was totally nude, and the noise he made was somewhere between strangled tabby cat and wounded gorilla.

"What the fuсk?" he yelled, closing his eyes and trying to get away, only to bang his knee on the coffee table. "Shit!" he grumbled, stumbling and clutching his bruised knee.

I didn't realize Jake had come in until I felt a throw go around me.

"What the hell are you doing back so early?" Jake demanded from his brother.

"I wanted my fuсking phone, okay? I didn't know you two would be playing Adam and Eve in the garden before you ate the goddamned apple!" He felt his way to the couch and sat down. "My knee's probably busted. Thanks, Maya."

I didn't stay to listen. Gripping the blanket to me, I fled upstairs to our room, my cheeks so hot you could fry eggs on them.

"This is exactly why you don't do sexy, Maya," I muttered to myself, sitting on the edge of the unmade bed, trying to catch my breath.

A laugh bubbled out from my mouth. And then another, until I was on my back in a fit of giggles. The door opened. Jake stood there, staring at me with his brow furrowed.

"You okay?" he wanted to know, and I noticed he was carrying my PJs.

He walked inside, closing the door.

But I couldn't speak, could barely gasp out a word. The memory of Baron's eyes bugging out of his skull in horror was just too fresh. Through my tears of laughter, I noticed how Jake was rolling his eyes. Three long strides later and he was standing right in front of me, dropping my clothes to the floor. He knelt down in front of me.

"I know I'm gonna regret asking," he said gently, putting his hand on my thigh, "but what's so funny?"

"Baron!" It sounded like I was choking, and maybe I was.

Jake shook his head, fighting back a smile. A little while ago, he might have hit his brother for this, even if it wasn't his fault. "He's gone now."

My laughter died down the instant I felt Jake's mouth atop my left thigh. Looking down at him, I watched as he pressed the same kiss onto my other thigh. I sucked in a breath. His fingers traced the scarring on the side of my right thigh. All five letters. He placed soft kisses there. My eyes scrunched shut.

"Look at me," he demanded.

I looked.

"I love every inch of you, sweetness," he murmured, sincerity shining in his honey-colored eyes. "Every." Kiss. "Single." Kiss. "Inch." Kiss.

I shivered — not because of any phantom pain, but because I felt his love. Felt it to the marrow of my bones. And I reveled in it.

Without him asking, I lay back onto the bed, allowing him to press open-mouthed kisses to the soft flesh of my inner thighs. He skipped my throbbing mound and kissed my lower abdomen instead, kissed my belly button, fingers skimming my bandage-covered tattoo. He was hovering over me now, his thighs astride mine.

He reared back, pulling his T-shirt over his head, throwing it aside. I should have been used to seeing that chest of his, but I probably never would be. Before I could stare too long at his pierced nipples, his ink-shrouded skin, he leaned down and captured my left nipple, tugging at it with his teeth. It was a thin line between pain and mind-numbing pleasure, and I arched my back, sifting my fingers through his overgrown mass of hair. He pinched my other nipple between two fingers, pulling at it, before covering it with his mouth in the same way he'd done to the other.

I moaned, and he broke away to put his mouth to mine to swallow the sound.

He broke the kiss, looking me deep in my eyes. "I want to fuсk you," he said, sliding a hand between my thighs and finding my сlit unerringly. He stroked. I gasped. "I want to love you." He pinched. I shuddered. "Then I want to do it all over again."

"Yes," I breathed, not knowing exactly what I was agreeing to. I put my hand over his, and he eased two fingers inside me, his thumb stroking over my sensitive сlit, again and again. "Jake..."

"Yes?" He kissed me, giving me air even as he took it. "This is just for you. Everything is for you. You have to know that."

I kept my eyes open while he fuсked me senseless with his fingers, even as my body writhed and jerked beneath him, even as I lost complete control of myself. I kept my eyes open because they were locked with his. He was murmuring how much he loved me, how I was so goddamn sexy to him, how he loved it when I screamed for him...

"I'm going...to..." A scream ripped its way up my throat and my body locked tight as my orgasm tore its way through me, completely shredding me.

And it didn't stop.

It was as if it had been building up for weeks and weeks and was only spilling out right now, releasing all my tension in the process.

Jake put his fingers into his mouth, licking the taste of me away, and even though I was breathless, boneless and just about exhausted, I felt my body roar to life at the sight.

"Hey," he said, his voice soft. His fingers brushed my cheeks. "Why the tears, babe?"

I sniffled pitifully. "I love you."

He was looking down at me like I was a cross between something delicate to be treasured —and something desirable to be fuсked. There was that lopsided grin of his again. His head slanted forward and he pecked me on my nose.

"Fuсking same," he whispered, and at the same time, I reached between us for the waistband of his sweatpants. "I'll go slow. I'll worship you."

He took over, yanking his pants down his lean hips, boxers and all. Taking my hand in his, he made me feel him, feel how hard he was. I gripped the base of his impressive erection and he let out a soft hiss, his arms now on either side of my head.

"Please, baby," he groaned out, his cock twitching in my hand.

"Please," I whispered back, and his hand came over mine, positioning his cock at my wet entrance, rubbing it against my сlit.

"I'll go slow," he repeated, his breath in my ear.

And slowly, painfully slowly, he eased himself inside, his breathing coming out in short pants, surely struggling not to drive his coсk into me in one thrust. I let out a sharp exhale, my hands grasping for his shoulders.

"This okay?" he whispered, pushing another inch inside me.

"Mm-hm." I could feel myself clenching and grasping around his thick length, could feel how soaking wet I was for him.

"Fuсk," he groaned, and he drove himself deep, so deep, to the hilt, eliciting a sharp gasp of surprised pleasure from me. Fevered eyes met mine. "I'm sorry."

My legs wrapped around his hips, heels digging into his ass. "I'm okay."

"I gotta move," he rasped, pulling out so that just the tip of his coсk was inside me. We both released a moan when he pushed back into me. "So. Fuсking. Good."

His mouth sought mine, and breathless, I kissed him. Tongues tangled. Teeth clashed. And he thrust in and out of me, painfully slow, his coсk hitting that tender spot that shoved me closer and closer to the edge.

"So beautiful," Jake whispered, his fingers brushing aside my sweat-dampened locks out of my eyes. "So, so beautiful."

He looked so...awed, and in that moment, I felt as beautiful as he claimed I was. He was slamming into me, slow becoming frenzied, frantic fuсking, and I wanted more. I wanted him hard. Gentle. Fast. Slow. I wanted him any way I could have him.

I felt his hand between us, and then I felt knowing fingers on my сlit. Stroking. Teasing.

I seized around him, my body locking tight, and he uttered a rough curse in response. Every nerve in my body was on fire, and I cried Jake's name, because it burned and it hurt and it was just...too...much. Everything shattered, and I had to hold onto Jake because he was the only solid thing there.

I could feel him coming inside me, his mouth latched onto the crook of my neck as his coсk jerked inside of me, spilling his semen. I loved this part. I loved watching him break into pieces on top of me, loved watching his jaw go slack and his long lashes flutter around his dilated pupils, loved the way he'd release a guttural moan from his chest.

Just for me.

It took a few minutes of us panting for air, grasping for some semblance of control, before he pulled out of me and rolled onto his side.

"This," he said suddenly, his voice hoarse.

My brow creased. "Hm?"

"I'm grateful for this," he clarified, and I couldn't believe it, but he was reaching for the notepad that had taken permanent residence on his nightstand.

"You're going to write that you're grateful for sex?" But I was smiling.

"No. I'm gonna write that I'm grateful to be able to make love to my fiancée." He scribbled something on the long list he already had written.

"Your what?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he ripped out a different page of his notepad and handed it to me.

His now-familiar messy handwriting in black pen was all over the paper. I speed-read it once in my head, and then I read it again, only slower this time.

Jake got up, legs over the edge of the bed, and I stared at his back, at the pair of wings that made him my beautiful fallen angel. He picked up his sweatpants from the floor, and fished something out, sliding onto his knees in the process.

I sat up, pulling the sheets up over my naked body in the process, one hand still gripping his letter.

"Baron went to pick it up. That's why he came back," Jake was saying, holding the box out to me. "I had it resized."

I swallowed. That was Sharon Ford's ring, all right. A solitaire diamond ring with a matching wedding band.

"You really are crazy," I whispered past the lump in my throat.

He nodded. "About you. But you already know that."

I laughed, feeling my eyes prickle with tears. "You're so impulsive."

"Nah," he insisted with a half-smile. "I've had this planned out for months now."

"I know," I confessed, unable to help it. "Baron."

Jake scowled. "Idiot can't keep his mouth shut."

This time, my laughter gave way to a sob. Jake's face fell. "Baby, don't cry," he said gently, crawling back onto the bed and effortlessly gathering me up and onto his lap. "You don't have to answer me n—"

"How many babies will we have?"

His hand rubbing my back stopped. "What?"

"How many kids, Jacob?"

"As...as many as you want," he whispered. "I like kids. I'll love ours."

I looked him in the eye, even though my vision was blurry with tears. "And what will their father do for work?"

I thought I saw him smile. "He'll be a pretty cool tattoo artist, epic custom-bike maker and banging bartender," he replied. "Not to mention, his wife's bitch."

I placed my hand flat against his most recent tattoo, smiling. "He'll also be a Phantom."

Jake put his hand over mine, his eyes searching mine. "Will he?"

"Yes." And I meant it. "Yes, Ripper. I'll be your Silver."

"Babe," he started, his voice broken, "you know it's for life, right?"

"I think I'll survive."

A slow smile spread across his face and he took the ring out, sliding it onto my finger. "You have no fuсking idea about what you're in for." His breath was in my ear: "Your alarm clock for the rest of your life will be my head between your legs."

God help me, I couldn't wait for the next day to begin — and the one after that, and the one after that...

Maya,

Since this started with a letter, I figured it should end with one, too.

Here's the deal: I'm a fuсk-up. It's in my DNA. I've fuсked things up with you and I know that. But I'm trying to make it better this round. God help me, I'm trying.

I want you to know that I choose you.

You're my number one girl, my number one everything, and you own my heart. I clawed it out and gave it to you a long time ago, but fuck it, I know it's in safe hands.

I want you to choose me to be the man you spend your life with. I want you to choose me to be the man who puts a baby inside you. I want you to choose me.

So, baby, even if you don't say yes right away, I've been told I can be pretty fuсking persuasive.

Will you marry me?

(P.S. Pretty sure I fuсked up on spelling persuasive but I'm hoping that just adds to my charm)

***

Author's Note: FINAL Wattpad Update (ie. the epilogue): June 17

Happy Birthday, June 10 babies! <3

The epilogue is already up on Radish, though. And the Android release date is June 15 (literally so close now)!

And to kick things off, I'm having a coin giveaway for Android users, much like the one I had for Apple users. If you're an Android user and you're interested in joining Radish, the link to create a username for Radish (so that you can take part in the giveaway) is in my bio (https://radishfiction.com/pre-signup/index.html), as well as an external link here. The link to my giveaway is also in my bio.

Also, there's a link in my bio that you can click if you'd like to send in your interview questions for Jake and Maya (much like what I did for Rae and Andrei) for a FREE character magazine app thingy they're going to be in. Anything goes! (Which means you can ask whatever you want to ask!) This is the link to download the app to read their interview, once it's posted: http://bit.ly/CharactersMagazine (for now, it's only available in the Apple app store, but they're working on Android, too).