thirty-seven: in which she gets the feels (or not)

"Don't be afraid, don't be alarmed; in the end of the night, you're in my arms" –Zola Jesus, Night (Guys, listen to this song when you read)

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RECAP: Ola! It's me again. Where do we begin? Ah, yes. So as you recall, Jane the virgin was -

So as you recall, Jane the virgin was -

Just kidding ^____^

Anyway, Maya and Sebastian are still in the basement of McNally's "fortress" and Sticks is still... That. When we last saw him, he was being a Sassy Sally to Sally Scarface (aka Roisin McNally aka the McNally family's Clementine [Harold and Kumar, anyone?] aka the McNally family's best kept secret. We last saw Jake back at the clubhouse where he was, quote, "losing his shit", and blaming himself. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, right? Well, let's jump in!

Oh, and I can't resist...

(Your face when you realize that this is an update? Love you guys!)

(Your face when you realize that this is an update? Love you guys!)

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My fingers were red. Soaking in red.

Through the bars of my cell, I pressed my fingers flat against Sticks' neck in a useless attempt to stem the blood flow. Tears blurred my vision and I could barely see his body lying there at an awkward angle as his breath left him.

"Keegan," I said, my voice barely a croak, "Keegan?"

Of course, there was no answer. And I knew that it was stupid – a waste of time – to keep my hands there, on his neck, but I did it anyway. I did it because I didn't know what else to do.

"Maya. Maya, stop. He's gone."

That was Sebastian's voice, wasn't it? But he sounded so far away, maybe I was hearing things. Maybe I was dreaming. The kind of convincing dream that makes you jerk in your sleep because you're about to trip and fall in dreamland.

"Maya," said Sebastian, and I felt his arms wrap around me, as real as the body that lay before me. "Come here. Maya, come here."

I was used to death. People died around me all the time. In a rest home, that happened all the time. But they were old people - people who came there to die - not twenty-three-year-old men who cried watching TV deaths.

Sebastian held me for a long time; let me put my bloodied hands on him, let me cry.

And when I stopped crying, I got mad. I got so mad I didn't pray to God to protect Keegan's soul.

I prayed for God to give me the strength to kill.

***

"Pain can be good, sweetheart. It reminds me that I'm still here. Still alive."

"Can you feel that, Jake? That's your heart beating. That should remind you that you're still alive."

"No. You remind me that I'm still alive."

"Bullshit, Jacob. If that were true, you wouldn't be trying to get yourself killed every moment of every day!"

"Babe -"

"No. I've had it with you, okay? This... This isn't what I want for my life. Sitting at home, wondering if today's the day you're going to die."

"Babe, right now? Right now, I'm the fucking guy sitting at home thinking you're dead."

It hurt to open my eyes, and when I did, it was dark again.

Keegan's body was still outside our cell.

Keegan's body, the voice in my head reiterated.

At some point, I'd fallen asleep and curled myself against Sebastian's body. And dreamed about Jacob.

Dreaming about him was painful. It hurt to even just think about him.

So I didn't.

I thought about Keegan.

And that hurt even more.

"Who's hungry? Who could kill someone for something to eat?" someone was yelling, yanking me out of my dark thoughts.

I hadn't heard the footsteps that signaled Ewan's entrance, but the moment I spotted him standing right outside the cell, I knew I was going to do something rash. Like throw myself at those iron bars and reach through to claw his eyes out. Yes. I could do that. That was something within my depth of knowledge.

However, my nails were cut short.

Ewan stepped over Keegan's body, stooping down to set a bowl onto the ground. "Don't feel like opening the gate. Too much work," he sneered, straightening up. "Goddamn, that's a lot of blood. Rosh fuсked him up good." Ewan's eyes met mine. "Roadie piece of shit," he spat, giving Keegan's inanimate body a kick to the side.

I jumped as if he'd hit me.

"Now I'm gonna have to clean this up," Ewan mumbled, scowling. He turned to walk away, talking to himself. "I always get stuck with this shit."

I inhaled deeply, trying to ignore the stench of iron in the air. Closing my eyes, I tried and failed to pretend that I was anywhere but here. And only then did I realize that Sebastian was quivering like a leaf beside me.

I turned to him, shaking him awake. "Seb! Seb, wake up."

He snapped awake, sitting up abruptly, rubbing at his eyes with his. "What? What is it? Are we getting out of here?"

"Seb, your arm..."

He flinched, but I grabbed his left arm - the one that was okay - and pushed up the long sleeve of his shirt even further. Little red pinpricks - tracks - dotted his lower arm. Horrified, Sebastian yanked his arm away.

"Some shot, huh?" I said quietly. "Some shot to numb the pain?"

"Maya -"

"Why did you hide this from me?"

"Is it so important right now?" he snapped. "Your friend is lying dead over there! We are going to die - and you're focusing on how I...how they've made me need this...this heroin?"

I looked away from him, but there was nowhere else to look but at Keegan. And I couldn't look there.

I couldn't.

I forced my eyes to turn back to Sebastian. "How often do they shoot you up?"

"Please don't ask me that," he whispered back. "Please, Maya."

"I just..." I felt my throat close and completely choked on my words.

"It's okay, okay?"

I nodded, although it really wasn't. It never would. This whole situation was so...fuсked up, and I knew that even if I - we - both survived this, we would never be the same again. There just wasn't any way to go back. I wouldn't even know how to.

Sebastian cleared his throat. "I'm hungry," he continued, pulling himself onto his feet and shuffling to the bars. He looked back at me over his shoulder. "Are you going to join me?"

My stomach turned. I shook my head and Sebastian got down onto his knees, sticking his good arm through the bars and immediately bringing whatever it was to his mouth. He ate loudly. He ate quickly.

I stayed where I was, staring at his back.

He was eating right in front of a dead body.

***

"Ah, Miss Fenton. Good. You're awake." Pause. "Yes. That's right. You can't move. Or speak. You were given a very strong neuromuscular paralytic drug. It's new. In fact, it was manufactured in one of my warehouses in Mexico. A warehouse that your...lover took it upon himself to destroy a few months ago." Pause. "You can't feel it, but I'm touching you. And I know you're screaming in your head that you'd rather die, I'm only touching your leg.

You see, I'm wondering if I should amputate you below the knee, or keep it interesting and take just your feet. We'll see how the great and mighty Ripper reacts to receiving that in the post. Then again, I could just have your body flung over the wall, since he's outside right this moment, threatening to behead me if I don't release you. At least I'll save on postage."

McNally's lips curved up into a smile as he stared down at me. That smile - that smile could only be described as devilish.

"I'm being kind to you," he murmured, speaking so softly it was as if he were trying to sound...kind. "This isn't your fault. In all of this, you're the only person that doesn't deserve to feel any wrath. It's unfortunate. But at least you won't feel this. You won't feel any of it. My brother? I can only imagine what kind of pain he had to endure. And yet, I'm being kind to you."

Can't move. Can't speak. Can't feel.

It was like being trapped in my own body and not being able to do so much as panic.

But I was.

Panicking.

My eyelids were drooping, so much so that it was getting increasingly harder to see what the hell McNally was going to do to me. Trying to fully open my eyes was impossible. My body wasn't mine to control. It was just...there. I was just there.

The last thing I remember... Ewan and the water...

"Maya, you haven't eaten anything," Sebastian pointed out, "since yesterday. At least have some water."

Ewan had left a jug on the floor - and the body was still there.

I was going to be sick. He deserved better than this, right? Keegan was - had been - a person; a person with hopes and dreams and a sense of humor. He deserved more than being left to rot in a basement.

Sebastian had offered me the water again - and I'd taken it.

And now I was here.

McNally pulled my eyelids open, gazing into my eyes. "You fell in love with the wrong person. I want you to remember that," he said softly, bringing his lips down to somewhere near my ear. I couldn't feel it, but I could imagine his lips so close to my skin, close to kissing me there.

"Now, sweetheart," he said softly, pulling away from me and rolling up the sleeves of his white dress shirt, "how about we see how loud you don't scream?"

*~*

Holy! I'm so glad to be back writing this story! That is all.

So it sucks that I have to do this but:

Some of you need to order some manners off of eBay. They ship worldwide, no shipping costs.

Radish seems to be irking a lot of you but seriously, that is no excuse to be rude and pissy and just generally disgusting towards me. I'm not forcing anyone to join the site. I'm not putting down an ultimatum (go to Radish or I won't update here) or some bull like that. It is your choice, just like it is my choice to post my stories wherever I want - because they are mine. Calling me names or being pissed off won't do squat except piss me off. And a pissed off Kim is a Godzilla (the new Godzilla, not the old one. The new Godzilla was pretty cool. Not the movie itself, but the actual Godzilla creature). You really learn who your real Watty fam is when things like this go down.

And to the amazing people that have gone onto Radish and supported my book - you guys are some special people. Thank you so much! (Don't forget to enter my coin giveaway! Link is in my bio)

Love to you all,

Kim