nineteen: in which she chokes on kindness

"It's better to leave than to be replaced" -Panic! At the Disco, Nicotine

That night, I couldn't fall asleep. A glance at my phone revealed that it was well after midnight and I had work in a few hours. That didn't stop me from going downstairs to get a glass of milk, the surest thing to send me to sleep.

It didn't take a genius to figure out why I was suddenly an insomniac. Funny how guilt didn't discriminate.

The kitchen was dark. I ran my hands along the wall until I found the switch, flicking it on and bathing the room in light. Five minutes later, I had a glass of warm milk in hand and sat at the island.

Simon Brown drove an Italian car that, according to a quick Google search, cost nearly two million dollars. He had three other sports cars that were in the same ball park price-wise - and Sebastian had funded them all. On top of that, he'd paid for their private jet, the exotic trips, and even their unpaid taxes. Or, at least, that's what he'd told Jake.

It was stupid of him to quit a good job to go into freelance hacking just so that he could pay for his parents to put on an elaborate performance of wealth and prestige. It was even more stupid to double-cross the people who'd hired him.

But I couldn't live with myself if the McNallys killed him, as crazy as that sounded. It didn't matter. He was most likely already dead.

I stayed in the kitchen much after I was done, and when I got up to go to the sink, I heard a phone ring from somewhere in the house. Jake came down the stairs a little while later, fully dressed. He paused in the doorway to the kitchen, no doubt surprised to see me awake.

"You OK?" he wanted to know.

"Yeah. You?"

"I'm gonna go out for a bit," he said. "I'll lock up."

"OK."

Jake uttered a curse. "They're not gonna kill Brown, sweetheart. Likely gonna get their money back first, however Computer Boy retrieves it."

"Uh-huh." I sounded unconvinced. Jake couldn't promise me anything. This wasn't his fault.

Jake turned to go, then swiveled around to come to where I stood by the sink. Pushing aside the strands of my hair, he placed a kiss on my forehead. I didn't feel like asking what that was for. Besides, he left.

The next morning, I left for work all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, thanks to the five cups of black coffee I'd had for breakfast. I felt energized when I was anything but. When Moira or Iris or another colleague instigated conversation, I went into autopilot, laughing where appropriate. Luke called me during lunch and I met him after work for a quick dinner. Because I felt generous, I texted Jake that I'd bring him something. He didn't reply.

"So what's new with you?" Luke asked over a plate of spicy chicken breyani.

"Nothing, really. Oh, wait. I might be moving next week," I said, taking a long gulp of water. The extra spiciness was really getting to me. "Iris kicked her roommate out. Kind of overdue, when you hear all the horrors Iris has had to deal with."

"That's great news. What about your stuff back at your old place?"

"Oh, Jake had it moved to storage weeks ago." I didn't know why I'd been shocked when he'd told me, because that was just something he'd do. I should've expected him to help me out that way.

"So...you and Jake?"

"What about us?"

Luke rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll just say it. You'll continue hooking up?"

"Maybe. I don't know. I guess."

"Be careful, M."

"You know, not everyone's as they seem, Luke. Jake might come off...mean, but he's far from it. You just need to get to know him."

Luke eyed me. "Mean. Yeah, that's what they call people who go to jail for attempted murder."

"Assault and battery," I corrected through clenched teeth.

"Semantics, Maya. Just by the way, I heard about his attack outside that tattoo place." Luke returned his gaze to his food. "Funny how those guys never pressed charges."

"Funny how those guys attacked him, unprovoked."

"You don't even know the full story, do you?" Luke correctly assumed. He knew me so freaking well. "No, you don't want to know, because you're comfortable burying your head in the sand where he's concerned. You're in love with him. Probably have been all these years. Let me know how your trip down de-Nile is going."

"What's gotten into you all of a sudden, Lucas? You think because you're pissed at the world that you can screw other people's lives up?" I pointed my fork at him. "You are the one in denial. You love Kira, or you at least like her. And every time you see her - which was obviously today, since she was at school - you get mad at yourself thinking you screwed things up by treating her like crap.

Well, guess what, Lucas Barnett - my girlfriend's either a masochist or just plain blinded by love, because she's still crazy for your big, idiotic head. You didn't hear this from me."

I went back to alternating between forkfuls of rice and sips of ice water that went down my throat like a salve, while Luke sat in silence, just staring at me. He could be as quiet as he wanted to be, but I knew exactly what was going through his mind. He wanted Kira; had probably wanted her from day one. For whatever reason, he didn't want to want her, but he couldn't fight it. Didn't know how. And now he was processing what I'd just said, wondering if there was some truth to it. Wondering if he had a chance.

We made small talk after that, splitting the bill in half, after Luke argued, like always. He walked me to my car in the well-lit parking lot, surprising me with a bear hug.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so damn annoying about Jake," he said into my ear, squeezing me hard. "Tell me you're not mad."

"I can't stay mad at you, Luke," I told him. I never could.

"Good." He pulled away, looking at me. "I support you, whatever you do."

"I support you, too." I gave him a meaningful look, and he nodded.

He watched me drive away and when I got home, I sent him the obligatory got-home-safe text before heading inside. Voices came from the living room, drawing me there. I did a double-take between the two men sitting on the couch, who could've been carbon copies.

They looked up, and only one of them got to their feet to kiss me. At the last moment, I angled my face to the side, so that Jake's lips met my cheek. A frown was on his bruised face.

"Not in front of other people," I said, receiving a glare from him. I side-stepped him, pasting a big smile on my face as I approached his brother. "Hey, Baron. Long time. How've you been?"

"A long time is an understatement, Maya," he said, standing. "I'm good. Just got in today. How are you?"

I was staring; I couldn't help that I was staring. Jake and his little brother could've passed as twins, they looked so alike. From the blonde hair that didn't know if it wanted to seem yellow or brown, to the brown eyes that were liquid gold fringed with thick black lashes, to the same angular jaw dusted with hair. Even their lips - slightly plumper and pinker bottom lips - were the same, although Jake's top lip had a tiny scar at the corner you could feel if your tongue tasted him there. Baron's hair was slightly longer than Jake's, standing up in all places as if he'd been tearing his fingers through it earlier.

Yep, I was staring. It took me only a second to notice that the black Monster Energy Drink T-shirt he was wearing belonged to Jake.

I cleared my throat. "I'm OK. I, uh, didn't know you were back in the country."

"I didn't know you were living with my brother," he countered, but there was a smile on his face. "Well, until he told me that I couldn't crash here because you're his roommate."

I glowered at Jake over my shoulder before turning back to his brother and smiling. "Jacob was helping me out, but I'm moving out next week when I'm off from work."

"Since when?" Jake grunted. I felt him close in behind me but I didn't want to turn and look. I could only imagine the look on his face. We still hadn't talked about the kind-of-fight we'd had yesterday. Part of the reason was because we'd agreed not to fight anymore. I gave it a few hours until Jake inevitably blew up at me. Or vice versa.

"Since a spare room opened up at my workmate's place," I said as Jake moved to stand beside me. Baron's eyes flickered between us. "Jacob misses you a lot, by the way," I told him.

"Does he, now?" Baron looked amused in the knowledge that I was lying. "Well, big brother, I've got three weeks' vacation time, so I'm all yours. Feel free to fan-girl."

"Fuсk you," was Jake's surly response. "Like I said, you can crash for one night, then you're out."

I looked at him; really looked at him. "You haven't seen him in four years, and this is how you're treating him?"

Baron let out a laugh. "It's fine, Maya. Jake just hurts the ones he loves."

"No, it's not fine," I said. "I spent dinner defending you, Jacob. What a waste of breath that was. You are mean."

"You're overreacting," Jake informed me, folding his arms across his chest. "I don't wanna fight tonight. Got enough ѕhit on my mind."

My eyes wandered to the coffee table. It was cluttered with pens and papers and two laptops. I'd probably interrupted something to do with Jake's money. Why a person would be a tool to someone who was helping them was beyond me.

"It was nice seeing you, Baron." I decided to completely ignore Jake. "Have you had dinner? Because I have Indian." I held up the bag.

Baron's eyes lit up as he took it from me. "I love Indian. Thanks."

"Hey, I thought that was mine," his brother protested, making me aware that he'd obviously gotten my text.

"You thought wrong." I pushed past him and went upstairs to my bedroom. I made sure the door was locked before I stripped and stepped into the shower.

I was thinking of taking my time under the spray of hot water, but that was kind of a non-starter when the mottled glass door was slid open. Why did I even bother to lock doors when Jake was around?

"You wanna explain what that was downstairs?" he went, completely indifferent to the fact that I was totally naked and water was splashing against his broad chest. "Don't bother covering up. Nothing I haven't seen before."

I switched the water off. "Have you not heard of something called privacy?" His eyes were on my chest, and now he probably thought my nipples were hardening because of him. "Move out of my way, Jake."

He stepped aside, letting me pass. When I went for my towel, he stilled my hand and turned me around.

"Is it that time of the month?"

"Oh, because that is the only time a woman is allowed to express her feelings," I snapped at him, trying in vain to release myself from his grip. "Go away."

"It was just a fuсking question, Maya. Don't bite my head off."

"I'm thinking of biting something, all right. Something below the belt to make you a eunuch."

He snorted. "You love my coсk too much to bite it off, babe."

Right then? Not that much. "Can I get dressed, or are you enjoying the show?"

As if on cue, his eyes drifted past my breasts and to the place between my legs that I'd tried to hide when he'd first barged in. His eyes met mine abruptly, sparking with the kind of dirty lust and filthy need I'd come to associate with him.

"Tell me why you're mad," he demanded.

"Don't kick your brother out."

"What the fuсk does it matter to you?"

"He's your family, Jake. Your only family. Do you know how lucky you are to have a brother? No. You don't." I sucked in air. "I'm not preaching at you; I'm not even judging you. I might not know why exactly you're being like this with Baron, but I do know that life is too short to push people away. Let him stay."

I would never understand their family dynamic. Maybe Baron was being honest; maybe Jake hurt people he genuinely cared about. Then again, Baron had never visited Jake in prison, so this kind of aloofness went both ways. They were detached from each other, but now, Baron was here. That had to count for something, right?

Jake didn't say a word for a long time, his grasp around my wrist loosening. When he reached out to cup my cheek, I didn't slap his hand away.

"OK," he murmured, leaning forward and bringing his face close. His lips ghosted against mine. "I apologize."

I needed to tell him that he didn't have to say sorry to me, that he had to apologize to his brother, but when his kiss became more desperate, more passionate, just more, I couldn't think beyond the feel of him against me. His bruised lip had to have hurt pressing against mine, but the groan that erupted from his was one of frustration, not pain.

His arm slid around my waist, crushing me against him. Steam curled around us, making the bathroom seem so small.

"Goddamn it, you taste so fuсkin' good," he breathed, his mouth drifting to the side of my neck. The stubble on his jaw scraped against the soft skin there, making me shudder from the prickly sensation.

His lips were on my throat, licking at the flesh, licking at my pulse there. I could feel it racing, feel it beating unsteadily against his tongue. I only began to notice that my butt was pressed against the slippery tiled wall when I felt his hand between my legs, fingers slipping past my folds and into my center. I knew just what he'd find there.

"Jesus, sweetheart. You're soaked," he rasped against my neck, flicking a finger against my сlit.

I whimpered. "Well, I just got out the shower, remember?"

His teeth sank into the side of my neck, biting. I dug my nails into his shoulders, jerking against him. "No, babe. This is all you," he said, twisting two fingers inside me. "Sweet, sweet Maya, creaming all over my hand and panting for my coсk."

Dropping to his knees, he raised one of my legs and swung it over his shoulder, ripping a scream of surprise from me. His fingers spread the lips of my pusѕy open. Any and all thoughts swimming in my head evaporated the instant he licked his way up my vagina, hair-roughened jaw grazing my sensitive flesh. The blood coursing through my veins felt like molten lava; my skin was on fire. Jake's tongue lashed against my сlit, and my knees buckled. I held onto his shoulders, trying to keep from falling. It was all I could do not to come there and then at the sight of his golden head bobbing between my legs, debauching me like this.

Strangled noises left my throat while my hips jerked, forcing his mouth even deeper. I was so close to coming all over his mouth. So, so close. Jake seemed to sense this. His strokes with his tongue became deeper, harsher. He sucked my сlit, drew it between his teeth. He was making his own noise - low, greedy groans that made this that much sexier.

I couldn't support myself any longer and his hands flew to grasp the backs of my thighs. I rode his face through my orgaѕm and all the while, he continued to eat me out, continued to put me through this sublime torture. Minutes passed and I broke apart, shattering into a billion tiny pieces of myself. It wasn't enough for him to make me come; no, he had to make me scream his name again and again and again.

Gently, he brought my leg down, holding on to me as he rose to his feet.

"So fuсking sweet," he growled. "You need to say it. Say how fuсking sweet you taste."

I tried to catch my breath but it was a lengthy process. "I don't... Not sweet."

His mouth met mine and I got a brief taste of what I'd done. "Yes. You're the sweetest thing I've ever had and I could drink from your pusѕy for the rest of my goddamn life."

I might have sighed before he scooped me into his arms and ferried me back into my room. The curtains were wide open, lights from the street flooding the room. Jake chucked me onto the bed as if I weighed nothing. There was barely a minute of us being separated until his body was covering mine and he was kissing me again, marking my skin with his tongue and his teeth. My hand went to the front of his jeans, finding the button and popping it, dragging the zip down.

He raised his head right then, and there was a wild look in his eyes. It said I have to have you now, that look in his eyes. I felt the same, lying under him with my legs spread as wide as they would go. He dragged his T-shirt over his head and shed his jeans and boxers while I traced every inch of inked skin that was revealed to me with the tips of my fingers. There were bruises there, too. Colorful ones that peppered his torso amidst the tattoos that decorated his olive skin. I didn't enjoy seeing more evidence of the abuse he'd suffered.

Seemingly unaffected by the sympathetic look I was no doubt giving him, Jake shifted slightly, and the headboard thumped against the wall. A thought occurred to me as he pushed a finger into me.

"Where's...where's Baron?"

Jake's eyes narrowed. "Bed."

"The walls are thin," I pointed out, stilling Jake's hand.

"What?"

"The headboard. He'll hear it. He'll know."

"You think he didn't hear you screaming my fuсking name a couple minutes ago? You think he doesn't know I swim in this puѕsy every fuсking day of the week?"

The vagina in question knew this all too well but crap, I didn't want to keep someone up with headboard-banging. Call me insanely courteous.

"Floor," I insisted, wrapping a hand around Jake's erection and squeezing. "Fuсk me on the floor."

A low groan escaped from his throat and he put his hand over mine. "Your filthy mouth's gonna make me come," he said, rearing back onto his knees. "Fine. Get on the floor."

I was finding it increasingly difficult to breathe, let alone move, but somehow, I found the strength to slide off the bed and onto the carpeted floor. I actually liked this position, something about being on my knees while Jake thrust into me from behind was pretty freaking appealing. The few times we'd done it this way, my knees had ended up bruised and the carpet had been imprinted on my cheek.

"You like to be fuсked like a wild animal," he'd say, hips pistoning as he filled me with his diсk. "Come for me, Maya. Come all over my coсk."

And I would, because yes, I liked being taken like some wildcat in a rainforest, completely ravaged by her mate.

Now, Jake was kneeling behind me, his calloused hands tracing the curve of my spine and ending up on my backside. The carpet reeked of some kind of citrusy carpet cleaner and, left cheek pressed into it, I was forced to inhale it.

"Just fuсk me already," I blurted out, because I didn't know what the hell he was doing tickling me.

He grabbed a handful of my hair, yanking me up so that I was on my hands and knees. I cried out, wondering what kind of person I was to become even wetter because he'd pulled at my hair. I didn't have to wonder any longer because finally, he was pushing into me, hard and fast, and my brain ceased to function. His second thrust took my breath away, and my hands gave way. Jake's fingers skated down my sides before he held my hips, holding me tight as he plunged into me to the hilt.

"Holy fuсking shit. So good," he grunted out, withdrawing and thrusting again.

I gasped from the pain that came with how deep he was. "Thanks."

I yelped when his hand cracked against my right butt cheek. He groaned when I clenched around him. "Hate that word," he said, bringing his hand around to rub my сlitoris. "Jesus, you feel...different. So wet. Fuсking gushing for me."

I found myself pushing back against him, feeling him so deep, feeling him hit every inch of my pusѕy. He was slamming into me, punishing me with every thrust of his coсk, and I loved every second of it.

"Jake," I said, but it sounded garbled. Likely because of his finger flicking my сlit, coupled with his diсk owning my inside.

He stopped, and the only sounds I could hear were our heavy breathing and the blood rushing in my head.

"Maya," he said, his voice sounding strained, "I gotta pull out."

Panic locked my eyes shut. "What?"

"Jesus, you make me so goddamn crazy," he was saying, holding himself still. I pushed back against him and he made a sound in his throat. "Fuсk. Don't do that, babe. I'm not wearing a rubber."

Funny how the ability to speak and think coherently returns when the right words are said.

"What? Are you kidding me? Pull out! Get out of me!" Ridiculous, I know.

I had to give Jake credit because he did what I asked. My limbs were functioning, remarkably, and I scrambled to get away as if he'd burned me. I yanked the comforter off the bed and covered myself, shooting Jake what I felt was the mother of all dirty looks.

"Don't look at me like I did this on fucking purpose," he spat, yanking his boxers on. "Sorry I'm not a boy scout who carries a rubber wherever the wind blows him."

"I don't think that," I said, feeling foolish. "I just...got scared."

I watched the look on his face shift as he closed the distance between us and knelt before me. His hand cradled my chin. "I'd kill myself before I did something to hurt you, sweetheart," he said, his voice gentle. "You know I'm clean, and I didn't come inside you."

I forced out a laugh. "Yeah. You're clean. Otherwise, I wouldn't even kiss you."

He laughed. "So you say."

Unable to help myself, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his. "I think you like fighting with me so we can have really hot make-up sex."

I felt him smile against my lips. "Was this a fight?"

"I don't know," I said, pressing my hand to the front of his boxers. "Was it?"

"What're you doing, babe?" he muttered, and I could feel how hot he was beneath the cotton.

I pulled back. "Finish...in my mouth. I want you to."

Desire glimmered in his eyes. "You don't have to," he said, but the way his peniѕ was twitching beneath my hand said otherwise.

I didn't understand why he wouldn't let me suck him off. This wasn't the first time I'd been more than ready and willing to do it. He always held me off, and I'd feel guilty that his mouth seemed permanently glued to the wet heat between my thighs while I never reciprocated.

"I said, I want to, Jake. Don't you want to come inside my mouth?"

He released a harsh breath. "Shít. Of course. But -"

"I think I'm ready, sensei," I cut in, holding back a laugh.

One corner of his lips lifted. "I'm so fuсking hard and you're telling jokes? Figures."

"I'm not joking. Stand up."

Jake looked at me like he wasn't going to what I said, but then he surprised me by getting to his feet and yanking his boxers off once more. His diсk was hard and wet - from me - veins pulsing. He lifted one brow, his eyes saying Now what? as he looked down at me.

I threw the comforter off me and got onto my knees. From the moment I'd seen his diсk, I'd wanted to taste it. To feel it throb on my tongue.

"Damn it," Jake cursed, gripping the base of his erection. "You're doing that stage-whisper thing again."

I couldn't even feel embarrassed that I'd said that crap out loud. Instead, I focused on the way I was getting so wet again. I ran my fingertips along his thick shaft. His size would never cease to amaze me, nor would the sounds he made when I touched him.

Here goes nothing, Maya.

I kept my eyes on him as I fed the tip of his coсk into my mouth, tasting the saltiness that belonged to him and me. A shudder racked his entire body and his hips jerked, driving more of his length past my lips. Good sense prevailed, because I'd already wrapped my fingers around him, so he didn't choke me.

"Shit," he growled, tunneling his fingers into my hair and pulling. The rest of me was forced to move closer. "Thought about you sucking my coсk. Thought about it for years. Something needed to shut you up. Might as well have been my diсk."

I made a surprised sound around his diсk, meeting his eyes. Years, he'd said? He should've stopped at that part, because I could've chewed on him for the last two sentences.

But then Jake's eyes closed and I watched him without him watching me. His mouth was slightly agape, and every once in a while, when I'd tighten my suction around him, he'd release this pained, animalistic groan that made my spine shudder.

After a while, I got used to this. I focused on making him feel good. Swirled my tongue around him. Hollowed out my cheeks. Licked every last prominent vein. Caressed his balls. A few times, I nearly choked and my technique was probably the sloppiest, but Jake seemed to like it.

"Maya," he rumbled, pulling at my hair. His eyes shot open. "Goddamn it, I'm close."

His eyes sought permission and I wordlessly gave it to him, sucking on him even harder. He threw his head back with a loud groan and that was the only real warning I got until his thick hot seed filled my mouth. Some of it went down my throat but for the most part, I completely choked. I felt it trickle down my chin and onto my chest, marking me.

I recovered quickly, staring down at my breasts in wonder. I dipped a finger in the white liquid on my right breast and put it to my mouth.

I could finally see why Luke had wanted to write an essay on blоwjobs.

When I looked up, Jake had disappeared into my bathroom and when he returned, he had a wad of toilet paper in his hand.

"Here," he said, unable to meet my eye.

I stood up and took the tissue from me, wiping myself as best as I could before stalking past him and throwing it away. I caught my reflection in the mirror and experimentally worked my jaw around as I gathered my hair up and began the process of braiding it into one long braid. I'd probably feel the pain tomorrow. I smiled. It was totally worth it.

I couldn't have been in the bathroom for more than a few minutes, but I returned to an empty bedroom. I stood there for a second, just astounded that Jake would disappear like that without so much as a fuсking goodnight or a thanks-for-rocking-my-world.

Thumping from the wall behind the vanity table brought me out of my murderous thoughts.

"You guys done?" Baron's loud voice came through the wall. "Some of us are jetlagged and tired as hell over here, so if there's a round twenty-five, please - for the love of God - keep it down!"