eighteen: in which she pokes a bear

"You want to point your finger, but there's no one else to blame" –Linkin Park & Rakim, Guilty All the Same

********************************

When Sebastian and I had started dating in college and he'd been romantic in the most cliché way, he'd driven me up to a woodsy area near the college and carved our one-year anniversary date in an oak tree.

Our anniversary date was 01-10.

I took the bus to the college and walked the rest of the way into the woods. I'd taken the day off and gotten Jess, a casual nurse, to cover my shift, so I didn't have anything better to do. The sun beat down on my back and sweat was already dotting my skin. The T-shirt I was wearing was sticking to my skin and my shorts meant that my legs were exposed to the long, reedy grass that whipped against my skin.

From beside me, Kira slapped at a fly against her upper arm.

"It's because I love you that I'm here," she muttered, taking a long drag from her water bottle. "Bunking school for you and everything."

I rolled my eyes at her. Kira had jumped at the chance to ditch her class to be my sidekick that morning. I'd sat there and listened to her as she'd coughed and snuffled into the phone, telling Reception that she wouldn't be going in to school today. The woman had always been a drama queen.

"You didn't have to come along, you know," I said quietly, navigating the winding path. Acorns crunched beneath my sneakers with every step. "Luke was my first option, anyway."

"Are you kidding me? You tell me you're meeting Sebastian – who hasn't been seen around town for a long-ass time – at Lover's Bush and that he might be violent," she said in a rush, "and you expect me to refuse to join you? Hell, no. I'm in all the way, babe."

I kind of wished I hadn't said anything to her. I kind of wished I hadn't managed to get out of Beefy Biker's silent scrutiny. I kind of wished I wasn't in this mess in the first place.

"As long as you promise to be..." My voice trailed off when I looked at her. "Kira, seriously? You brought a hand fan?"

"It's boiling hot, Maya!"

I stifled a sigh. My friend was not an outdoorsy, smell-the-pine-in-the-air person. "We're here, by the way."

Lover's Bush was where people picnicked or came to have wild, Tarzan-in-the-forest sex. Years ago, someone had planted a single bush of roses and for whatever reason, the roses flourished. I traced the numbers Sebastian had carved into one of the oak trees, wondering if there was a way to go back in time and reject him when he asked me out the first time all those years in the quad.

"But Seb isn't," Kira observed, looking around. She cleared her throat and called, "Oh, Sebastian! Where are you? This isn't the time for a game of hide-and-go-seek."

"Kira! Will you cut that out? You're going to let people know we're here!" I hissed, and she quirked a brow.

"Who are we hiding from, Maya?"

"Nobody," I muttered. "Just...keep it down, okay?"

"Fine," she conceded with a frown, "but I thought you said you were meeting him here. So where is he?"

That was a good question. Of course, I hadn't expected Sebastian to be camping out in a forest that received a lot of traffic in the form of hikers, but still. He owed it to me to be a little more accessible, the idiot.

It was while I was thinking these things that I heard the crunch of twigs behind us. Kira and I both spun around and my heart began to gallop with adrenaline.

Standing a few feet away from us was Sebastian Brown. Despite the oversized hoodie, bug-eye sunglasses and awful dye job, I knew it was him. He whipped off his shades when he saw me.

"God, Maya, I didn't think you'd come. I come here every day at the same time and God, I've missed you so much. You have to believe me –"

"You fuсking brainless coсksucking bastard!" I snarled, surprising everyone who was present. I didn't know who was more stunned when I launched myself across the distance between us and proceeded to beat the living daylights out of Sebastian.

Kira was shouting behind me, trying to pry me off the idiot, but instinct had kicked in and I was ready to go down for murder. Seriously, I had made peace with it in the bus.

"Have you lost your freaking mind?" Kira shrieked, yanking me off Sebastian with an almighty tug. "I thought you had an amicable breakup, for Pete's sake!"

"This is not about our boring-ass relationship!" I yelled back, wrenching my arm out of her grasp.

Sebastian, who hadn't put up much of a defense, unsteadily got to his feet. I'd given him a bloody nose and it was currently leaking all over his hoodie, red on gray.

"You...need to...come with me," he wheezed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

I let out a manic laugh. "I need to what? Did I actually just beat you senseless?"

"Maya, they'll...they'll kill you."

"Kill? What are you talking about, dumbass?" Kira folded her arms across her chest.

"I came back to get you," Sebastian continued, ignoring my best friend. He looked at me with earnest brown eyes. "Please. We have to go."

"You're out of your damn mind. What you need to do – since you clearly need me to spell it out for you – is return the money you stole," I said through clenched teeth.

Sebastian rubbed at his bruised cheek. "I can't."

"You can't?" I sputtered, balling my hands into fists. "You can't return the ten million you stole from the McNally brothers? That's what you're telling me?"

"Ten mill? McNally brothers? Holy..." Kira let out a low whistle. "You really are a dumbass, aren't you, Brown?"

"I've spent...most of it."

"You've blown ten million dollars?" I shrieked, approaching him. He warily backed away from me, hands up in surrender.

"My parents went bankrupt years ago and they've been in debt ever since. I've been trying to help them get out of it but every year, they spend money they don't have." He sucked in a deep breath. "I thought this money would be a means to an end, Maya. I was wrong."

Despite everything, I felt a tiny jolt of sympathy for him. My own parents had been erudite, affluent people, yet they'd died without a penny to their name. But that had been due to bad investments and the fact that my parents had been too generous for their own good, donating most of what they'd earned to charities and probable scammers. Unlike the Browns, they hadn't been over-spending or trying to keep up with the Joneses.

"Cry us a fuсking river and drown your stupid self in it," Kira said with a sneer. "You stole from a pair of identical psychopaths. You're as good as dead, buddy, and if you think you can drag my best friend into your ѕhit, you need a CAT scan."

"I've got this, Kee." I sent Sebastian a death stare. "They threatened to kill me, because of your stupidity. They threatened my patients. And you're telling me I'm in this mess because of your money-hungry parents? Sorry, but I don't give a damn. You're going to turn yourself in, either to those crooks, or to the cops. I'd go with the cops."

"I'm dead either way," he said, his voice monotonous. "They got to my parents first. Who else do I have but you?"

"They're...dead?"

"No, Maya. My dad got pretty beaten up by some thugs and my mom's in a psych ward. They say she has PTSD brought on by the attack." He let out a weary sigh. "But that's all they'd tell my friend. I can't even see my parents."

Simon and Valerie Brown were awful, money-grabbing bigots and karma was a female dog, but this just showed how serious the McNally brothers were and how lucky I'd been so far. But if assaulting Sebastian's parents hadn't made him crawl out of the woodwork, did these thugs seriously believe that coming after me would do that?

"Turn yourself in, Sebastian," I heard myself say, "or I will."

His eyes widened. "You'd do that to me?"

"Are you being deliberately stupid right now? You can't run away from this mess, Sebastian! It's over. If you really cared about me like you always claimed you did, you'd hand yourself over."

Sebastian's face fell, like he was disappointed in me. Like I had let him down. Like being the Bonnie to his Clyde had seemed like a freaking fantastic idea and I'd crushed that dream.

Basically, the man was delusional.

So I wasn't even all that surprised when he turned tail and ran. No, what surprised me the most was that I went after him. The only thing that kept playing on loop in my head was that I had wasted so much time on a man I'd never really known. Seven damn years of my life. Seven years, to end up chasing him to turn him in to the cops for embezzlement and racketeering.

It took me a second to realize that Kira was ahead of me. Despite the obvious height I had on her, she'd always been faster when it came to track. She released a comical high-pitched wail before firing herself at Sebastian – who was a good head taller than her – like a cannonball. They went down together in a crumpled heap. My feet slowed as I approached them and I watched Kira heave herself off Sebastian's motionless form, dusting off grass and dirt from the knees of her leggings. We froze at the same time.

"Oh, my God, is that blood?" Kira shrilled, backing away from Sebastian.

"He isn't moving, Kira," I croaked, instinct driving me to kneel beside him to see what I could do. I pulled the hood back off his head, wincing at the sight of the blood matting his hair on one side.

He'd hit his head on a rock when he fell; a big one. At first glance, the gash didn't look to deep. The impact was what I needed to focus on. How hard had he hit his head? Taking a deep breath, I pressed two fingers against the side of his neck. His pulse was fine. Likely he'd just been hit unconscious. But Kira didn't know that and Kira was freaking out.

"I killed the asshole," she was saying, over and over again, pacing back and forth and tearing her hands through her wild hair. "I'm going to jail. Holy shit, I'm going to die, Maya. Do you know what they'd do to me? I'm not cut out for jail! I recycle and make vases out of empty wine bottles! They'll eat me alive in jail – eat being the operative word. I don't want another woman eating me out!"

I let her contemplate her future as another woman's unwilling lover while I took my phone out and scrolled through my phone book for a number I realized I already knew by heart.

"Are you turning me in?" Kira wanted to know. "I mean, you should. I killed your first love, even if he was a selfish spineless bastard. I don't blame –"

"I'm calling Jake," I muttered over my shoulder, "and Sebastian isn't dead. Just knocked out. Might end up concussed. Will definitely have a nice scar."

Kira breathed an audible sigh of relief, falling to her knees beside me. "Well, thank God. Orange isn't my color, you know."

I gave her a look. "Are you serious? That was your biggest worry? Not the fact that you could've taken a life?"

She glanced at Sebastian and shrugged. "The guy was ready to run and leave you to deal with the Irish Psycho Devils. Forgive me if I don't shed a tear about his health and safety," she said.

Typical Kira. After accepting that Jake wasn't picking up, I shoved my phone back into the pocket of my shorts and pulled myself to my feet.

"This is what we're going to do, Kee," I said, retying my hair into a high ponytail. "You're going to help drag him out of this place and then we're going to take him to the Phantoms' place, OK?"

She eyed me skeptically. "You want us to drag a two-hundred-pound man down a hiking trail and put him on a bus with us to a biker gang's headquarters?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I muttered. "Sebastian weighs way less than that and we're not taking the bus. I'll get somebody to pick us up."

Kira's voice was quiet when she said, "Don't bring Luke into this. Please."

If we weren't in a forest on a mountainside with my lawbreaking ex lying bleeding and unconscious at our feet, I would've gotten Kira to admit that what she felt for Lucas Barnett was more than a strong physical attraction. Her words just proved it.

"I wasn't thinking of dragging Luke into this mess," I told her, "and I shouldn't have involved you, either."

She took my hand in his. "Your mess is my mess, M. I'd take a bullet for you."

"Likewise."

A brief moment of emotion passed between us before we took either of Sebastian's arms and lugged him along the dirt. I was a little scared that we'd pull his shoulders out of their sockets but Kira reassured me that if that happened, he'd deserve it. Sebastian wasn't bulky or anything, but he was incredibly heavy to drag, so Kira and I would stop every few minutes to catch our breath. It was beyond ridiculous. I tried Jake's number a few other times. Nothing.

I should've gotten Ghost's number, I berated myself as I felt the sweat trickle down my back.

On second thought, I should've just told Jake where I was going this morning, instead of pretending to go to work like an underhanded little teenager sneaking off to a party.

My eyes went to Sebastian's face. Between the blood from his nose and the blood on his head, he looked pretty beaten up. I almost felt sorry for him.

"Please tell me that that's the edge of this fuсking forest, and not a mirage," Kira grumbled, wiping her brow with the back of her hand.

"It's not a mirage," I muttered back, dropping Sebastian. Kira followed suit, dropping the arm that she was pulling. "I need to make that phone call."

I went through my phone book until I got to 'C'.

"Catalina? Hey, it's Maya."

She laughed. "Yeah, I figured. No one else calls me that. So what's up?"

"I, uh, kind of need your help. Do you have a car?"

"Sure. Where you at?"

I told her. "Do I wanna know why you're out there so early in the morning?" she asked.

"I'll fill you in when you get here. Promise."

"Give me ten minutes."

"And Catalina? Thanks."

"I told you, Maya. It's Puѕsy, or nothing."

She hung up.

***

Jake wasn't looking at me and that was fine with me.

I'd learned that the reason he wasn't answering his phone was because he'd been jumped outside Ghost's tattoo shop on his way inside. Four guys – stupid enough to attack in broad daylight – with a death wish. They'd been unarmed and outnumbered Jake but I guess their biggest mistake was assuming that he'd be docile, since he just got out of prison.

I didn't want to look at the bruises on his face. No, actually, what I wanted to do was give him more. Because I realized something: He actually enjoyed being jumped by unknown men and getting the crap beaten out of him before retaliating. How sick was that?

I let my mind wander even further as I spaced out with my eyes glued on the paperweight on Ghost's desk before me. It was a glass owl, and I briefly wondered if he'd gone out to buy it himself. Then I had to stifle a laugh at the idea of Ghost going shopping for a glass bird to keep the papers on his desk from flying off.

"What's so fuсking funny?" were the first words Jake had spoken to me since Kira, Puѕsy and I had hauled Sebastian into the clubhouse and Ghost had ushered me into his office.

My eyes jerked up to meet his at the sound of his terse voice. I winced when I saw how red certain parts of his face were. His lip was busted. That mouth had done sweet, sweet things to me and now it was hurt and cut up.

My priorities...are skewed.

"There's nothing funny about any of this," I murmured, leaning back in the chair and focusing on looking at him from the neck down, which wasn't easy when he was sitting across from me.

Despite the sweltering heat outside, he was in a black long-sleeved T-shirt and dark jeans. Me? I was sticky with sweat and my hair felt damp and I was half-naked compared to him. I felt hot just looking at him.

"When did you and Puѕsy become buddies?" His fingers were tapping on the desk, impatient.

I considered keeping quiet. Then I let out a heavy sigh, staring at the wall behind him. "I met her at the cemetery the other day. She was visiting her dad and we talked a bit."

She'd been alone and had approached me. Reluctantly, she'd told me that her real name is Catalina but that no one calls her that...and lives.

"You lied to me," I heard Jake say, and this drew my eyes to his once more.

"Yes, I did. And the only reason I did that was because I knew I could get Sebastian to come back." Jake didn't need to know that Sebastian was fleeing when he'd been knocked out by my best friend.

"You could've gotten yourself hurt," he said in a low voice. "Is that something you can't get through your thick fucking skull?"

I shot up to my feet, instantly pissed off. "OK, I'm done. I'm going home and I don't want to see you."

Jake rose. "Too fuсking bad. I live there."

"Yeah, well, maybe it's time to change that. You know, now that I caught Sebastian," I said through clenched teeth. "Just tell me what you're going to do with him so I can leave."

"You mean, once that joker wakes up?" He let out a short laugh. "Hand him over to the McNallys. Maybe stay to watch the execution."

I could feel my eyes go wide. Hearing him say this out loud... It sounded horrible, made it real. Like I had just sent Sebastian – a man I had genuinely cared for in the past – to his death.

"Jacob... Can't we...turn him over to the cops instead?"

"Why didn't you take him there in the first place, Maya?" he snapped at me, rounding the table and closing in on me. "You knew what we'd do once we got our hands on him, so don't fuсking pretend to give a damn about that idiot's fate. This. Is. What. You. Wanted."

I shook my head, because even after all the evil I'd wished on Sebastian, I wasn't an evil person. I had a heart. I could care. Even if, in the end, he hadn't cared about me.

Jake's liquid gold gaze scorched me with its intensity but when his hand wrapped around my neck, I wasn't afraid. I met his stare head-on, blood thrumming away in my ears.

"You still care about him, don't you?" he said thoughtfully, his thumb running along the side of my neck. "Do you love him?"

I glared at him, wondering where he was going with this. I still didn't answer him.

He didn't disappoint.

"And yet, you never once let him fuсk you," he said, his voice soft. He leaned forward so that our foreheads were pressed together. "When he comes to, I wanna ask him about that. Maybe I'll tell him how fuсking stunning you are when you come for me."

I slapped him so hard my palm felt like it was on fire and every nerve-ending in my arm came to life with pain. That slap broke the connection, pushed him away. The entirety of his left cheek bloomed a deep red to match the redness marking other spots on his face. I throbbed with anger.

"You're an aѕshole!" I spat, completely stunned beyond belief. I wanted to slap him again. No, punch him. But the thought that he'd get off on it stopped me.

"Tell me something I don't know, babe," he retorted, sending me a disgustingly self-assured smirk.

"What is wrong with you today?" I said, my anger fading. "You can't be the same guy who told me his life story before feeding me the other day."

The leer on his face vanished. "No. This" – he pointed at his discolored face – "is me. I'm a twisted, selfish motherfuсker who was hoping to delay finding your сunt of an ex so I could keep sticking my diсk inside you."

I felt my pulse kick up another notch. "What?"

His laugh was humorless. "Sweetheart, we both know you'd never have let me touch you if you hadn't moved in with me."

I wanted to say something. Deny it, maybe, but Jake wasn't shutting up.

"You think I don't see how you can't get out of my bed fast enough?" he said.

OK, but there was a reason for that. I didn't want to seem too...clingy. Like, 'Hey, I want us to spoon until the morning light' kind of clingy. I'd listened to guys at work laugh about women who couldn't take a hint and leave of their own accord.

"I get it, babe. You're good, I'm evil. You're right, and I'm several kinds of wrong," he went on, smoothing a hand down his face. I watched his body visibly tense. "After tonight, you won't be in any danger. You're free to leave the big bad wolf's house, Snow White."

I giggled – which was strange in itself because I never giggled – but I couldn't help it. That last part...

"Don't you mean Red Riding Hood?" I said, cupping a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing again. "Snow lived with dwarves. The wolf masqueraded as Red's grandma."

Jake scowled at me.

"Oh, relax, Ripper. I'm not making fun of you." I gave up trying to hold my laughter in. "I just... That speech was...cute?"

"Maya, go to hell," he muttered, giving me that full-on glare that was supposed to make normal humans cower.

"Well, since I'm good, I can't." I made myself go to him despite the dark look on his face. "You're an idiot. I think those guys beat you too hard."

He growled at me, yanking me to him with one hand. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I said, breathless. "You're an idiot if you think I'll automatically stop wanting you once I move out. You think I can just tell my vagina: Hey, how's about you tell everyone down there to stop pulsing and lubricating when you hear Jake Ford's name, huh? Especially that сlit of mine. It needs to stop with the throbbing."

I laughed when I saw the ghost of a smile on Jake's face. I was definitely feeding his ego with this bizarre conversation but it was kind of worth it to see his normal smile.

"Is that сlit of yours throbbing right now?" he asked, sounding like he was making fun of me.

I thought of Sebastian and his impending doom and my surprisingly strong guilt about that. I thought about my weird fight-but-not-quite-a-fight with Jake.

I shook my head. "No, but I do need a hug."

When he enfolded me in his arms, I simply closed my eyes and breathed in the scent that was all him. I heard him inhale audibly, as if he were doing the same to me.

We were going to be okay.