nine: in which she sleeps on it

“When he’s here with me, it’s hard to believe I’m still lonely” –Keri Hilson, Energy

********************************

The next day, I woke up with a killer headache and the cold realization that the first thing I had to do that morning was dump Sebastian.

I’d never dumped anyone before, but I’d never been dumped, either. The end of past, juvenile relationships could be described as “mutual breakups”, for lack of a better term. When you both reach the understanding that you’re not working out, the breakup is less messy, less painful. But this? Sebastian and I had been together for a very long time. He was my longest adult relationship thus far.

And now we were over.

Last night, Jake had offered to retrieve my bag for me, but I’d declined. Sebastian needed to do it himself, if he wasn’t the coward he showed himself to be yesterday. When the clock in my kitchen told me that it was ten, I was beginning to think he was scared of approaching me.

I had spent my morning cleaning my apartment from top to bottom. I did my laundry, did a spot of ironing, and cooked a big lunch that could feed ten people, easy. I knew I was trying to distract myself and I didn’t give a damn.

The knock on my door came at noon on the dot. Taking a deep breath, I went to answer it.

Sebastian stood outside, clutching my handbag in his hands. I only had a second to register his busted lip – again – before he covered it with his hand, as if hiding it from me.

“May I please come in?”

His left cheek was unnaturally red, and the first few buttons of his flannel shirt were missing. It wasn’t a bad enough beating as the first one Jake had dished out. Maybe he just hadn’t been feeling it this time.

“My bag,” I said, stretching out my hand expectantly.

“Maya, please. We need to talk.”

“Fine. Come in.”

At this, he handed me my bag. As he passed me to get inside, I rifled through the contents, making sure everything was in there. I slammed the door shut.

Sebastian was standing in the living room, hands clenched at his sides. He stared at me for a very long time before whispering, “You look very beautiful.”

“That is what you’re going with?”

“Last night was a mess. My mother told me everything and I was so disgusted, I nearly threw up. When I went outside, you were long gone and your friends didn’t know where you were. God, Maya, I’m so sorry,” he said without pausing for breath.

“You could have said even one vowel to defend me, Sebastian, instead of sitting pretty like a pussy and pretending not to hear those people – your family – slur me the entire night,” I told him, threading a hand through my hair. I wore it loose today, and it hung heavy just above the curve of my butt. “I can’t look at you without thinking about yesterday. I don’t want to look at you. I’m calling it quits.”

Sebastian made an abrupt move towards me, but I held my hand up, silently telling him to stop.

“Don’t do this, Maya. Please. My parents are the idiots. I can –”

“Don’t you find it weird that we’ve never said I love you to each other?” I asked, curious to hear his answer. Surely he had to have noticed this little fact. I couldn’t blame him, though. I’d never noticed until the early hours of this morning.

His brows knitted together. “We have. I’m sure –”

“No, Sebastian. We haven’t. I slept at four this morning rewinding through our history together. Those words have never left either of our mouths.”

It was fascinating to realize this. Fascinating, not sad. It had taken Sebastian’s parents going too far to show me how flawed my relationship with him was. Maybe I had been so lonely that I had clung to this relationship long enough to be blinded. Seb and I had been friends. We had never been in love.

“Did Jake bash you around a little?” I asked Sebastian absently, taking my phone out to check my messages. There was nothing important.

“I deserved it. More so than last time.” Sebastian paused. “I did a lot of things wrong, but not going after you when I knew you were in pain was the worst.”

I looked up at him, choosing my next words very carefully. “My spare keys, please.”

He looked absolutely horrified. “Maya, come on. We can’t end what we have over last night.”

“It’s not just about last night,” I let him know. A huge part of me still cared for this man. Feelings like that didn’t just evaporate overnight. Even if they were slightly tainted by a heavy make-out session with an overly sexy man…

“Then what is it about?” He slowly sat down on one of my couches, gauging my reaction. “Please. Just talk to me.”

So I did.

I sat beside him, keeping a respectable distance between us. I explained that I cared about him deeply. I explained how it had hit me, in the hours before dawn, that we didn’t love each other. Not really. We had a mutual love for Liz and Reddington, home-cooked meals and Chinese, and Imagine Dragons. He was always sweet enough to ensure that I ate dinner on the days that I was working. He might as well have been a domesticated version of Luke.

Sebastian was quiet for a long time, and I finally dared to look at him. His eyes were trained on the carpet. “Two days ago, you were happy. We were happy,” he said softly. “What changed?”

“I’m lonely, Seb.”

His eyes swung to meet mine, and what I saw there winded me. Pity. It was an ugly sight to behold, that pity. It nipped at my skin, leaving tiny cuts and scrapes, and I hated it. I hated it because it was so familiar.

“I’ve been your family,” he told me, unclenching his fists. “You’re all I have now, Maya. My parents are dead to me after –”

“Don’t say that. They’re your parents, no matter how bigoted they are.” I let out a short laugh. “If you really believe yesterday was the first time your mother wanted to get under my skin, you must be kidding yourself.”

He had the grace to blush.

“I don’t hate you, you know. I was mad at you, yeah, but I don’t hate you,” I went on to say, and this was the truth.

“You should. You should hate me. I hate me.” He sighed. “I’ll miss you, Maya. You have no idea how much.”

“We’ll still hang out sometimes, right? I mean, who else will fuel my TV series addiction?”

He let out a soft laugh. “I’ll still hook you up, don’t worry.”

“Thanks, Seb.”

He stayed for a little while longer, and for old time’s sake, we had lunch together. A weight had lifted off my chest the minute he left. The guilt about last night was gone.

What Sebastian and I had had was friendship, and truthfully, it had dawned on me the instant that Jake kissed me.

***

Kira and Luke had spent their spring break grading papers, so they were more than happy to unwind with me at Velocity Saturday evening. They put their animosity behind them for tonight. Just for me. Of course, it was still awkward to be sitting at one table together, so close together our knees bumped in a weird triangle formation, but at least they weren’t being indifferent to each other.

“So…you and Sebastian are done, huh?” Luke was already on his third beer, probably to get through being so close to Kira.

“Done. But we’re still friends. To be frank, I think that’s all we ever really were.” Tonight was still a Coke night for me. I stirred the ice in my glass with my straw, unable to hear any clinking sound, thanks to the rowdy noise around us.

The music was crappy tonight and there were at least four verbal arguments going on in different corners of the bar.

“He doesn’t look like a good fucķ,” Kira, who was on Beer Number Four, put in. “Was he a good fucķ?”

I could feel heat color my cheeks. “What makes you think we slept together?”

“Uh, you’ve been together since college? Kind of a given, right?”

“Gonna get another beer,” muttered Luke, a look of disgust painted on his face. He got up abruptly and disappeared into the crowd.

“Now look at what you’ve done. You’ve chased Luke away,” I complained, knowing that trying to reason with Kira at this point was futile. Once she started talking about sex, she was an unstoppable hurricane.

“Whatever,” she said, waving a dismissive hand. “Are you telling me that Sebastian never wanted to have sex with you?”

I rolled my eyes at her. “I’m not telling you anything.”

“He’s either a closeted gay, or has a morbidly small penis that’s made him highly self-conscious. Which is it?”

“I’m not talking about this.”

“Fine. But at least tell me you’re ready to let loose.” Kira clapped her hands together, bouncing up and down in her seat. Golden strands of hair strayed across her forehead and she pushed them away. “This is the perfect place to find a cute hook-up. Sebastian was a lame-ass, anyway. You know that, right?”

“I didn’t come out tonight to hookup with a random guy. I came out to be with my friends.”

“That’s cute and all, but seriously, quit being so pious. There’s nothing wrong with harmless flirting and harmless sticking-your-tongue-down-someone’s-throat.”

I’d been listening to this spiel since high school. “I’m not being pious. I’m being safe. Hookups just aren’t my thing.”

“Then what is your thing? Comatose guys who play around with computers all day and don’t know the difference between a cliţ and a razor bump?”

I took a small sip of Coke. “Sebastian wasn’t that bad. You’re being unfair.”

“And after all that racist bullshit his mother said to you, he couldn’t even clone a backbone and stand up for you? What a loser,” Kira said fiercely. “I’m glad you dumped his pansy ass. It’s about freaking time.”

“Well, this is the first time I’ve heard you talk about him this way. Figures.”

“Come on, M. If I’d said anything against him, you would’ve clung to the relationship even harder. It’s like reverse psychology.”

Maybe so. Luke had always been vocal about what a bore Sebastian was, and both Ghost and Jake had said on occasion that I deserved better. This had only strengthened my resolve to stay with Sebastian. I was a walking therapy case.

“You’re probably right,” I said carefully.

“I always am, babe.” Kira’s eyes strayed somewhere over my shoulder.

Turning, I followed her gaze, and managed to catch a glance of a pink-haired girl in a white dress flirting shamelessly with Luke at the bar. When my gaze returned to my other best friend, I found her looking sour.

“Dear God, will you just tell him you still want him?” I said, snapping my fingers in Kira’s face. “That you’ve always wanted him?”

“I don’t want him.”

“Sure, you don’t.”

“Seriously. He’s an ass.”

“A hot ass.”

Kira cracked a small smile. “He has a hot ass. I still don’t want him, though.”

But I caught her casting Luke a wistful glance or two before he returned to the table and she was forced to put on an air of indifference. The pink-haired girl came with him. Her name was Cherry and she snorted when she laughed.

*~*~*

I was as sober as a judge when I walked through my front door that night. Kira’s driving had been impeccable despite her questionable sobriety, and she spent the drive to my place insulting Luke’s taste in women, since he went home with Cherry.

I had a headache just listening to her find new synonyms for “dickhead”. Fortunately, she decided not to come in with me. And that was a good thing, too, because someone was already inside.

The smell of the chicken risotto I’d made earlier that day drifted out of my kitchen. I found Jake snacking on it, a contemplative look on his face.

“You should’ve used fresh herbs, sweetheart,” he told me, leaning against the kitchen counter with the Pyrex dish in his hands.

“Says the guy who made me a frozen dinner yesterday,” I muttered, snatching the dish out of his hands. With a jerk of my hip against his, I pushed him aside and set it on the countertop. “Thanks for the advice, Gordon Ramsay, but I’m good.”

Jake laughed. “I’m a fucķin’ awesome cook, babe. The frozen dinner was just a moment of weakness.”

“I did appreciate it, though. I appreciate everything you did last night.” Especially the part where he’d stopped kissing me.

“You’re more irritable than usual,” he casually observed.

“I broke up with Sebastian. I need to be alone right now.” The first part was true; the last, not so much… “Thanks for going easy on him this time, by the way.”

“My pleasure,” said Jake, his voice low and husky. It made me focus on the word “pleasure” and all of its connotations. I didn’t want to fixate on last night, on the way my body had responded to his touch so intensely. Jake had been aloof when he’d dropped me off, so I didn’t think I’d see him for a while.

Yet here he was.

“One of these days, he’s going to file an assault charge,” I whispered, but Jake only laughed. “I’m serious. You can’t go around beating up people on my behalf.”

“You worried I’ll get thrown in prison, or that I’ll kill someone?” His voice was serious.

“Both, if I’m being honest.”

“Well, aren’t you sweet,” he said, bumping his hip against mine. “I’m flattered you care.”

The brief contact sent an electric current up my leg. This was getting ridiculous. Yes, Jake was an attractive man. I’d always known that. It had never affected me before. Even dressed down, in ratty jeans ripped at the knees and a grey T-shirt, he looked like something out of a fitness magazine. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, for Pete’s sake, and here I was drooling over Jacob freaking Ford like he was the last honey-glazed pork chop at a family reunion.

“What are you doing here?” My voice was breathless when I spoke, and there was a hint of sweat snaking its way down my back. This was unnatural.

Tearing his eyes from mine, Jake dug into his back pocket and held up the keys to my Beetle. “Figured it was time to put you outta your misery.”

I squealed – I couldn’t help myself; I’d missed Betsy – and seized the keys from Jake’s hand. “She’s OK? You brought her over? Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I threw my arms around him and he stiffened, clearly not expecting this affection. I drew back. “Sorry. Was that weird? Of course, it was weird. Sorry.”

“Just wasn’t expecting it, is all,” he grunted, running a hand through his hair. “You’ve gotta know how underdressed you are.” His gaze was pointedly settled on my shirt.

Flushing, I crossed my arms over my breasts. It was Kira’s top, and Kira’s breasts were a cup size smaller than mine, so the plunging V-neck made everything…pop.

“You went out like that?” Jake wanted to know, narrowing his eyes at me.

I held my head high. “Yeah.”

“Were you hoping to find a…rebound?”

“No.” This was dangerous territory we were navigating. “I was hoping to have a good time with my friends, who both drank in excess so that they could get through being at the same table together. Suffice it to say, a good time is the furthest thing I’d call tonight.”

“I could show you a good time.”

“Does that line usually work?”

“Pretty much,” he said with a grin. “Come on, don’t you wanna give, uh, Betsy a spin?”

I gave him a suspicious look. “She’s the same old car, isn’t she? You told me I just had a dead battery.”

“Among other things.” He gave me a reproachful look. “That thing was a death trap, Maya. New battery, new tires, new brakes, new ignition switch, new upholstery – almost every fucķing thing had to be replaced.”

I simply stared at him. “I know that. I was going to fix everything in due time.”

He made a frustrated sound in his throat. “In due time? Don’t you understand that you could’ve been killed in a road accident in that piece-of-shıt car?”

“But –”

“Or you could’ve killed someone.” That shut me up. I knew what was coming. “My old man killed someone that way. Sure, it had been an accident and that wasn’t what sent him to jail, but it was a kid. A goddamn kid. Dead, just like that. Can you imagine that kinda guilt?”

“No,” I whispered, “I can’t.”

Jake reached out and gripped my chin. “Hey, remember how I said I cared about you only because my mother asked me to in that letter?”

“Yes. I remember it just like it was every day.”

“I lied.”