23 My Little Fear

May 3, 2013

12:33 pm

Christine Romulo

I can't do it. I will never skate again.

By my side, Mateo smiles enthusiastically as he looks around the skating rink. This is his idea of a nice date. I'd say this is a good one. It's not your typical let's eat out type of date and then having sex right after. "I thought you might like an adventure, so that's why I took you here as a surprise. You know, after our first date, maybe eating out is not a good idea, so why not an activity to help us bond?"

His words just pass over my head as if he had never said that. As some ice from the skating children fall on my feet, I cannot help but step back. All around me is a haze. All the noises around me are like muffled sounds that I can never understand. All I see is the color of white and blue – that winter day.

"Christine? Christine!"

Oh, Mateo has been calling me. I did not notice. I look to my side and see him holding skating equipment. He has the coats, the skates, and everything to help us on the frozen rink. "I already got us the skates," he says with excitement in his voice. "Come on. Let's prepare ourselves. Let's not miss out on the fun of everyone."

He sits by a bench and puts on the skates on his feet. I don't want to disappoint him again. He has been this eager to give me a great time, but it turns into disaster due to the conditions I have. He's just a jolly man that wants the best for the girl he is pursuing. Hesitantly, I sit beside him. I put on the coat he has. As I buttoned up the coat, I feel my hands trembling in all of these. Next is the shoes. I removed my Louboutin heels and put on the skates on my feet.

As I put on the skates, the picture of my father putting on the skates flashed back into my mind. The darkness of my falling into the frozen lake return to me all at once that I feel the chills crawl up my spine. I secure the skates on my feet and make sure that it does not fall off.

I will get through this. It's just one time at the ice rink, and I am never coming back here again. Once I finished preparing myself, I look up again at the ice rink. I can hear laughter here and there, but all of it just fades away to the screams I let out as I fall into the darkness.

"Are you alright?"

He holds on to my hand as if to console me. "Yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry."

"Are you sure? You look a little pale. Is the coat too light? Shall I get another one?"

"No, no. This is fine. Don't worry about me. I'm fine."

He looks at me as if he believes me not. Suddenly, he takes my fidgeting hands into his. I was about to let go, but he holds on to it strongly. "Tell me, what's wrong?" he asks gently. "If you do not know how to skate, I'll teach you. It's not that bad."

However much tempting his smile is, I cannot help but break away from his gentleness. I take my hand away and turn to my side. As I look up the skating rink, the event of falling down the frozen lake still replays in my mind like a broken record. As I remember this, I shake the thought away. "No, I know how to skate," I say hesitantly. "It is fine."

With him behind me, I hear him sigh patiently. "Are you somehow afraid?"

He knew. I look back to him with his gentle smiles again. Am I really afraid of skating or is it just me being afraid of dying that time? I want to speak, but my mouth fails me. I want to explain myself, but nothing comes out of me. All I could do is let out a sigh and turn away from him again.

Yes, I cannot admit it. I can't admit that I am afraid. Suddenly, I feel him put his hand on my shoulder. "What happened? Do you wish to talk about it?"

"No," I say quietly. "I'm not ready to talk about it."

Patiently, he lets out a sigh. "You know, we can be afraid of so many things in life. For me, I'm genuinely afraid of my father. No, it's not that fear-respect thing we have for our parents, but it is genuine fear. I'm afraid to even be at the same room as him."

As I hear his story, I turn to him. He speaks as if the world has crashed upon him. I even see tears forming in his eyes as he tells his story. In this, I tap him once more on the shoulder. He takes my hand into his as if it is his consolation. "But then, I looked deep inside me," he continues as he chokes in his voice. "Why am I afraid of him? He's a man of power. He became the governor of this city. That's what defines him, and that's when I understood that I am not afraid of him. I'm just afraid of being pressured into following his footsteps."

Mateo Jonathan Macedo – the son of Governor Julian Samuel Macedo – is afraid of becoming the man his father is. In his words, my heart somehow became unburdened with a truth. It was as if a torn was plucked out of my heart, letting it be free.

"I, too, am afraid," I say to him. "I have my own fears. My life is not that great, but I can admit one thing. My little fear of being on ice lies a deeper story than that. I just hope you understand."

"Don't worry, I understand, but sometimes, we have to face our own fears."

He rises from his seat with the skates on his feet. In this, all I see is Margaret's elegance as she dances her way on ice. He lets out his hand for me to help me up. "Will you face your fears with me?"

Without my shaking palms, I take his gentle hand. "Yes."

He helps me stand from where I seat. It all replays in my mind. He holds my hands firmly as if to guide me into the rink. As we reach the edge of the rink, I hear my distant screams like that happening was just yesterday. My ankles jerk like a chicken being sent to death. As I feel myself going down, Mateo holds onto my hands firmly than ever. "Don't worry," he says as he helps me balance myself. "I'm here. Now, are you ready to be on ice?"

As I look, the rink dollies upon me as if it is suddenly expanding before my eyes. "I don't think I'm ready."

"You're ready, Christine. Just close your eyes, and I'll guide you around. Trust me. You have dealt with your fears long enough. Your time to let it all go is now here. I ask again, are you ready?"

With a deep sigh, I look him straight in the eyes. I must face this. I cannot stay in the past forever. "I'm ready," I say to him.

"Alright, come on."

I firmly shut my eyes as he guides me into the rink. As he pulls me into the frozen ice, I hear the skates making little scratches on the ice as it keeps us standing still. "We are now here on ice, Christine. It will be alright."

"I can do this. I can do this."

Those were the words that are ringing in my ear as he guides me around on frozen ice. All I see around me is darkness, but I get the sense of where we are headed. Around me, I hear things that ring louder in my ear – the children's high-pitched talking, the parents' nags, people falling down on ice. As we move around some more, all the noises mix in my ear like a big pile of mess. I feel myself spiraling out of balance as this goes on.

"I don't think I can handle it," I say out of panic to Mateo. "It's too much."

All of a sudden, he stops gliding me around on ice. As he stops, I feel the noises fading away. "It's alright, I'm here," he says as he caresses my hands. "You are doing great, Christine, but we have to take it up a notch. Are you ready to go on?"

However much I want to let go, I know that there is no turning back. I will get out of this dome with conquered fear of ice. I take a deep breath and prepare to go on. "Yes, let's go."

As we go on, the noises grow louder and louder again. Once more, the feeling returns. My heart beats rapidly as if it is chasing the end. My hands tremble like the strongest of earthquakes. Even my ankles jerk again out of fear. "Christine, I can feel you growing stiff," he says gently to me. "Trust me, my dear. I am here for you. I will not let you go, but it is you that must let go. Let go of the fears in your heart."

"Let go. Let go. It is time to try again."

I take another deep breath and let all the noises flow through me.

"This ice is not a frozen lake. He is holding my hand. He will not let me go. I will not die. It now all rests in the past."

I repeat this in my mind as he glides me all over the frozen rink beneath us. Little by little, the noises fade away to dust. As we go on, I can actually now feel the wind around us. The gentle wind sweeps my hair to my sides as this kind man guides me.

He is right. There is no reason to fear. It is all in the past. The important thing is I am alive and well. I am ready to face it all.

Slowly, I open my eyes. As I set myself free from the darkness, the first thing I see is his smile that takes away all the doubt. As I look around, I see the colors of a beautiful winter – white and blue. The noises I hear is replaced by laughter and joy. It is all coming back to me.

All of a sudden, the administrator plays music all around us. Though the theme of this place is winter, they play for us the lively and joyful song of Spring. As the lively music spreads all over the place, more and more people are dancing to the tone.

"Looks like you have conquered your fear," he says with gladness in him.

"It is all thanks to you. So, shall we join on their dancing?"

"I just got over my fear of skating, and now you are going to ask me to dance on ice?"

"It can't hurt if you don't try! Come on!"

He is quite a man with goofiness in his life. He lets go of his hold on me and takes only one hand. Skating is one of those skills like you never forget. It's like riding a bicycle. Once you know it, it will stick with you for life. With hands joined side by side, we glided around the rink like a pair of lovers dancing a masque. Sometimes, we'd spin around like children playing a game. And indeed, we are playing a game. All of a sudden, he taps me on the shoulder and let go of his grip on me.

"Tag, you're it!"

I see him hastily skate off with a laughter on his face. "So, it is a game you want, alright. Let's play."

I skate to him as fast as I could. It was not an easy task though. I had to pass through children playing their own game, parents teaching their children how to skate, and even lovers skating all over the rink. Little by little, I feel him slowing down that I catch up to him. I tap him on the shoulder and skate off.

"Tag, you're it!"

That's when I began skating away from him. As I glide hastily in this frozen ice, I could hear my own laughter coming out of my mouth. That's when I realized. He returned the joy of a thing that I used to fear so much. As I turn back to where he should be, I find that he is not chasing after me. Odd. Where is he?

All of a sudden, someone grabs me by the waist and gives me a little spin on ice. I look up into his eyes, and much to my relief, it is him – Mateo.

"Looks like I win," he says with a sly smile on his face.

"How could you win? You're it."

"I win because I have you right beside me."

He lets out his hand to me again. Without a second thought, I take his hand and we skate gently on this ice rink. As we glide some more, I see some little flakes of ice falling over our heads. Wow. The administration really is dedicated into making this place feel like winter that they even feel the need to recreate fake snow. The children take delight in this as they gather the flakes to make a little ball. Mateo and I just laugh at this happening and shake of the snow on our head.

"Fake snow in the middle of Spring," I remark. "Great."

"I did tell you that I would turn back winter if it meant making you happy, and this is it."

As I hear those words, it all dawns to me. "Did you do this?"

I turn to my side so I could see him clearly. There, he just smiles guiltily. "I guess you could say I may have something to do with this," he says with a slight chuckle. "It is all for you, for nothing speaks more of love than a man doing acts of service for his lady."

As he says those words, snows fall about us like little flakes in the air. As it continues to land on our heads once more, we look into each other's eyes as if would see into one's souls. In our hearts, we know what each other desires. Little by little our lips draw closer to each other. Without any hesitation, we let our lips touch as we feel each other's love for one another.

We break away with gentleness. Wow. I cannot believe it. I actually kissed him. I cannot help but let out a smile. He then takes me into his embrace. Also, this is the first I hugged him. As I feel his embrace, I feel the hardness of his chest and toned physique.

"Will you be my girlfriend?" he whispers in my ear.

In shock, I recoil from his embrace. No, it's not the question. It's this temptation that I feel with his physique and seductive whispers. If he had been me, he would have been better at my game. With no response coming from me, I see his smiles slowly fading away.

I just shake the thought away from me and give a wide smile. "Yes. Of course."

Without even realizing it, he presses his lips against mine. Our tongues are like swords in a battlefield. All sweetness ended with a temptation of passion and desire.