41 40. Drowning Cowards

"You're so fucked." In response, I limply raised my hands out of the water then dropped them with two ′plops'. "How hell did she know?" Augustus continued.

"She had to know," I said faintly. "I couldn't possibly hide behind that fake, caring person any longer."

"You are caring-" Augustus started and I snorted.

"Wrong," I blurted. "I don't actually care. I'm possessive," I tilted my head to glance at him. His eyebrows were raised, looking painfully serious. "I end up hurting myself because, really, I can't possess anyone. I can't always...protect them."

"So that's why Samara ditching your arse messed you up?" He said. "Because when you 'own' something, you don't want to imagine losing it. And you lost her for your past-"

"I lost her for who I am," I corrected. "But this was...different. I for once imagined it- I imagined losing her. But seeing it happen was a whole other level of disaster. You wanna know why?" I almost whispered the last part as I let my right index finger randomly graze the surface of the water. I took his silence as an acceptance to carry on.

"Because even when I imagined it-" I sighed sadly. "I imagined that she'd hope on me. I imagined that she'd forgive me. That she'd tell me the past is in the past. But-" I pointed out. "-hatred and fear were all that was evident in her eyes. She looked at me like everybody else did when they knew me. She was disgusted. She was utterly repulsed. It was a bit... disheartening."

I almost teared up before glancing at Augustus who had his lips pursed into a thin line.

"You'll get over her, right?" was what he asked cautiously.

"I will," I said simply with a lopsided smile. "I can get over anyone," I added bitterly. "I've already accepted my fate. I actually just did," I chuckled lightly. "I was meant to spend the remaining years of my life in solitude. And it isn't as bad as it sounds."

"I'll be around," Augustus added with a weak smile.

"No. You won't, actually." I said, shifting heavily in the tub and craning my neck to look at his pale countenance. "I'll disappear." I then pressed a smile.

He shook his head and my smile widened.

"But that isn't ′possessive' shit." He said, frowning and my smile faltered a bit.

"It is," I said. "I mean, you saw what happened to everyone I 'cared' about. My 'possessiveness' didn't protect any of them. So out of my love and possessiveness, Gustus, I let them go. That's the right thing to do."

"You're just being dramatic right now. You don't know what you're saying," Augustus said with a shrug and a hesitant, lopsided smile.

"You know that I'm not being dramatic. You know that what I'm saying is the truth, Augustus-" I said, catching his eyes. He looked away. "I was the reason behind Audrey's death. And Samara's heartbreak. And your heartbreak-" I said, referring to Sam.

"I won't care about you less," Augustus said, his eyes dancing around the place. "Samara leaving you doesn't make you bad. It just means that she isn't the right one-"

At that, I chuckled. "I'm a murderer, Gustus. There isn't a ′right' one for me. I killed. Lusted after blood. I was so very cruel. Ask your father about me."

"Bullshit, Julius." He said, shaking his head. "You're pure from the inside."

I frowned and then laughed. It was hilarious. Oh Lord, my brother was overwhelmingly hilarious.

"That's not possible. Think about it, Augustus. Like, think about it. I am dark. I did the worst possible crime. I don't know purity. I'm not like those guys in books who find the love of their lives and suddenly believe in hope and change. "I can't lie though," I lifted my index finger. "I tried imitating them at times. I tried believing that I could be a better person. That Audrey's cruel death flipped some magical switch in me.

"I didn't know that this switch was stuck. That it can only be turned on, you know? I-" I chuckled darkly. "-I felt angry when Father was telling me the truth about myself. I actually felt angry-" I laughed hopelessly and shook my head. "He was right. I was being a pathetic hypocrite."

"Bullshit-" Augustus tried and I smirked. "Your care was real. Your emotions-"

"Emotions," I drawled, screwing my face irritably. "Bloody nuisance."

"Well, at least you got them." He pointed out. "That doesn't deem you as a hopeless case-"

"Oh, I'll get rid of them soon enough. I'll return to what I was before I knew Audrey and witnessed her ′unbearable' death." I said mockingly with a dismissive hand wave.

"So, what?" Augustus then started, his voice coarse. "You'll stop being human and be happy about it? You'll leave the girl who loves-"

"Loved-" I corrected with an easy smile.

"The girl who loves you," Augustus repeated persistently. "You'll leave her after killing her father and stealing her heart? I'd be bloody pissed."

I looked at him and arched my brows. "So what do you reckon?" I said with a scowl. "Should I go beg for her forgiveness? Beg her to forgive who I am? Beg her to love me? Me, a monster?" I clenched my jaws. "Never."

"You're being a pig about this whole shit-" He said, frowning. "She should've killed you. If I were her, I'd do it."

"She actually tried to kill me-" I grinned.

"I do not blame her." Augustus snapped.

"You don't blame her?" I looked at him incredulously.

"I don't!" He said exasperatedly. "She doesn't even know you! She doesn't know the real ′Julius'. She only knows that good guy who -bless him- held her hands when she was blind and introduced his brother. She knows that guy. She doesn't know your real story, dammit. She doesn't know why you're like this. She doesn't know about Dad. She doesn't know that that's how your childhood was spent." He leaned toward me and frowned. "She doesn't know shit about you."

"I'm not going to force myself on anyone. I do not need it." I said solidly.

"So instead of looking for whoever the hell ruined you, you'll sit here, sulk in a bloody tub, and be so bloody useless?" He grimaced.

"Wow," I whispered loudly. "How did you know that?" I added with a lazy smile.

"You're pathetic-" He said and I stopped, looked at him, and clenched my jaws.

"Forget it."

"If you're going to wait here and expect her to return then you're so wrong." He said with disgust. "You'll be disappointed and I swear to you that you'll regret it."

"I don't expect her," I said gently. "I do not expect her to return. And if she did-" I said, remembering her, her slender fingers, dark soft hair, soft pink lips, and deep blue eyes. I closed my eyes. "If she ever returns, I shall make sure to turn her away-"

Augustus' lips twitched in annoyance. "She'll never return."

"True," I said, smiling faintly, remembering her nose crinkles when she laughed. "Because if she expects that good guy she better not return."

"That good guy who's basically you, but not you," Augustus said, rolling his eyes. "Some concept you have-"

"You really don't see it, do you?" I said, shaking my head. "I'm a murderer. A murderer, Gustus. That's a bad thing if you didn't know."

"You were forced to-"

"See? That's where you go wrong again." I said with a smirk. "I chose to-"

"To please your father!" He said angrily and I shook my head, saying nothing. "Did you forget what you told me? Did you forget Audrey? You've had your punishment."

"I don't think so. Not yet." I said, my throat sore. "But you know what I think? I think I'm starting to get bad again."

"You don't believe that you are who you were-" Augustus said, shaking his head. "You can't actually think that you're capable of killing again. Of doing what you used to do."

I looked at him, a dark smile slowly creeping on my face. "Watch me."

Augustus frowned. "Fuck you, Julius. If you really think that you're a bloody murderer, get the hell out of the water and go kiss Dad's ass! Get the fuck out, grab a bloody knife, and drive it in a beating heart! But you're too bloody weak for this. You act-" He paused to take a breath. "You act like you're so -oh- untouchable, so heartless, but it's a big lie you weaved yourself in!"

I smirked and stared ahead of me, ignoring him.

"And it's this lie, this lie that permitted you to kill. To give up on Samara. To ignore me. It's this lie that you were too stupid to believe. You believed that you are a heartless freak!" He said breathlessly as my face screwed in anger.

"Shut up."

"Bloody coward," was his response. "Look me in the eyes and say it again."

I turned to him with a mocking scowl. "Shut the fuck-" but I was cut by having my head pushed under the water.

My heart stopped in shock as I shook my head. My hair obscured my vision as Augustus' hands pushing down on my shoulders. I held his wrists and squeezed hard but I was too weak from the hangover. Bubbles rose from my mouth as I tried shifting my whole weight. I was quickly losing oxygen as I used my hands to clutch my throat breathlessly. I swallowing so much water. I was dying.

The pressure on my shoulders got lifted and I broke the water's surface, coughing. I pushed away my hair and glared at Augustus who was wet, on his knees, nose flared and hands clenched to fists. I bared my teeth and leapt at him, getting out of the water.

He was taken aback by my attack and fell back-first on the bathroom's wet floor. His head hit the tiles with a satisfying 'thump' as his damp hair spread all over them.

I was straddling him and pinning down his hands when I noticed that he wasn't fighting back.

"What the hell?!" I yelled and he smiled foolishly.

"How did it feel to actually drown?" He licked his lips and looked hard at me. "If you have the guts, punch me." He said, his eyes fluttering as the water dripped from my hair onto his face.

I raised my fist, then looked in his eyes, his almost neon-blue eyes that sparkled with so much emotion under the bathroom's lights.

"Do it!" He enunciated and I scowled, raising my fist higher. "Don't be a bloody pussy! Punch me! I almost drowned you," he teased, his eyes narrowing at me. "I fucking dare you."

My lips curled downwards. "Wish granted."

My fist crashed in his face. He growled in pain, but I was surprised when he retaliated the punch. I was slightly thrown off as I held my jaw in rage. Recovering quickly, I clutched his shirt's collar and raised him so that his bruised face was closer to mine.

"You don't possibly think you can change me, do you?" I hissed as he licked his lower lip and pushed me with so much force that I ended sprawled on the floor and him on top of me.

"Fuck you, Julius." He said, his voice strangled before crashing another fist in my face. The pain of his punch was numbed by the anger that set fire to my blood. "Fuck you for hurting all of us and then running away from the damage. Fuck you!" He shouted as I clenched my jaws. His neck was red and taut, and his eyes wide and accusing.

I groaned angrily and pushed him off of me. I immediately got up and clutched his hair in my hand.

"Let go! What the hell?!" Augustus was punching my legs as my lips twitched, suppressing a groan. He then gave up and tried to pull back his hair.

I pulled back his head and almost banged it to the sink when the thought of killing him bubbled in my anger's chaos.

If I hit his head, he dies. His death was just a 'bang' away.

I looked down at him. He had tears tumbling down his cheeks.

"AM I SCARING YOU ENOUGH?!" I yelled.

He looked up at me, a smile crossing his features.

"THAT'S WHO I AM!" I thundered with madness for blood in my veins. "I'll kill you, not thinking twice. Can't you see it?!"

"THEN DO IT!" He shouted. "Fucking kill me! I have nothing to lose!"

I took in a deep breath. "I WILL!"

"DO IT!" He sniffed, his face red and his eyes the purest shade of cobalt. "YOU DON'T SCARE ME!"

"I don't scare you?" I asked.

"Not a bit," he said, frowning deeply. I narrowed my eyes and pulled back his head further as he squeezed shut his tearful eyes.

I clenched my teeth, groaned and let go of him. I then backed away, breathing heavily, my adrenaline wasted. I felt numb and scared. Was I really about to kill my brother? I shook my head and stared at his panting figure.

"That's what I thought." He panted out before slowly raising his face to stare at me. "You can't. You changed."

My eyes widened and teared up. "I almost killed you. I'm a murderer." I said sadly. "That can't change."

He stumbled up to his feet and swayed a bit before holding onto the sink for support. "But you didn't." He panted, wiping his nose with his shirt. "You didn't kill me." He sounded too happy about this.

"I almost did!"

"That's not important," he said, approaching me. "We all get tempted by different things. We all do! All that matters at the end is whether or not we let it control us! You fought it!"

I looked at him incredulously. "This is -no- just- I can't."

"Can't what?"

"I can't control it," I said, looking helplessly at him.

"No," he said, smiling despite his split lips. "You're just scared that you won't be able to control it. There's a big difference."

I looked at him, shook my head sadly, and headed to the tub. I got in despite the freezing water and held the empty scotch bottle, for -uh- some reason.

"You know what?" I heard Augustus say from the doorway. "You need a distraction."

I glanced at him. His hair was a wet mess with a bit of blood staining its ends. His eyes were bright, nose red, and jaw a bit swollen.

I looked in front of me. "I'm fine."

I heard him shuffle until he was right next to me on the floor. "Yeah, yeah. We're all fine. But you'd probably wanna hear this."

I turned to him with a sniff.

He put on a playful smile. "I might know who told Samara about you killing her father."

At that, my smile faltered and my heart sank.