25 24. Memories

"Are you sure?" I whispered, feeling a lump in my throat for the hundredth time today. "I mean, are you sure she hasn't recovered-"

"Julius, I don't see why you're sceptical about this. This makes it a milestone easier." Father grinned, shifted, then leaned closer to whisper. "There's nothing more vulnerable and naïve as a blind girl." He then, leaned back, clasped his hands, and smirked as I pursed my lips together, not knowing what to say.

"You said Ricardo was a-?" I started thoughtfully but he immediately cut me off.

"A lawyer. Yes. We don't know anything about the girl except for her name. Sam, based on your last encounter with Ricardo. And that she's a blind cat. All her records are inaccessible for some reason-" He said excitedly and I raised my eyebrows, sighing.

"But still-" I studied Father, expressionless. "-how can we find her?" I continued, diverting my gaze to the ashtray holding Father's burning cigar. The smoke twirled up as I tilted my head absently to watch it.

The chest tightness I felt was beyond belief. Because here was everything I spitefully ran away from. Here was Father shaming what I thought was an inexorable, intricate plan. Everything was going the way I fancied, but of course, fate wouldn't have it.

"How hard could it be, huh?" He grinned. "Finding a blind Sam, your age? Roaming around in London? Besides, I've got many people looking for her." He stated proudly and I felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs in defeat.

"What if she left London? How could you be so sure that she's here?" I asked and he sighed.

"Well that's the thing-" He started, looking away. "I'm not sure and that's why my team is looking for the documents by themselves as a backup plan."

"What is in those documents that are so important?" I bristled. "Important enough for you to come to London and investigate yourself." I tapped my feet angrily, ensuring, however, that my face didn't portray my emotions. "We've killed so many people. This isn't our legacy. Our legacy is minimum damage and maximum benefit. We've exceeded our minimum. And to no avail."

"You have, Julius. You have killed so many people. You have exceeded our minimum because you killed Ricardo. But so what? Since when do you get sentimental about what it takes to get a job done? For the sake of Gorj?" He raised his eyebrows and played with his ring. He wasn't even looking at me.

And he ignored my question. "This is no longer our kind of business, Father. This turned to murder. Crime. Horrendous. You killed this innocent-" I started, feeling infuriated.

Father raised a hand to stop me. "You've become sentimental, indeed," he muttered, laughing bitterly. But then he stopped and changed gears. "Don't for a second, for a fleeting millisecond, Julius, forget who you are. What you have become. Don't dare think that your guilt will make your situation even slightly better. Don't dare lie to yourself by your performance, Julius. You can't pretend to be someone else. And remember," he paused angrily. "-that if it weren't for your slut's death, you'd still be my doormat, doing what I wanted and commanded. You'd still be killing people like pigs. Seeing you like this," he scowled, trailing his index finger in the air. "-disgusts me. I can withstand all people's unpleasantness but hypocrisy. Makes me puke, son."

I glared at him. "That still doesn't answer my question," I stated flatly, ignoring his words. He was reminding me of the darkness in me that I couldn't escape.

But maybe I changed.

Or maybe I was pretending all that time. Pretending that I could feel guilty. Pretending that I could feel. Maybe, this was for a while until I got over Audrey and everyone I'd lost. Maybe I'd start to get bad again like I did when Mum died. Maybe, I thought I could escape my darkness by 'standing in the sun' with good, innocent people. Darkness? Darkness was my friend.

Funny really. Maybe it was just a phase.

"What is in the bloody documents?" I repeated, shutting my eyes against my thoughts.

Father smirked. "Would you believe me if I told you?" he asked, picking his cigar between his thumb and index finger, raising a brow, and piercing his eyes through me.

I let my eyes wander around the room. The big vase next to the door, the three purple velvet couches, and the black horse painting above the couch Father sat on. And of course, Sam's blood on the floor.

I stared at it for a while and let myself believe that I was somehow drawn to it. Like it was seducing me and that maybe -just maybe- I was desiring more of it. More blood. Maybe, I was my old self. The old version of me who found satisfaction and pleasure in warm blood. And for some reason, this thought terrified me.

Maybe I was drooling and I had to wipe my drool off- I almost touched my chin when I gulped at the thought.

"I would because you'd think I wouldn't," I replied light-headedly, looking away from the blood and shaking my head from my haunting thoughts that managed to raise my heartbeat and dry my mouth.

Father smirked. "You can act as smart, but in the end, you'll do what I tell you. If I told you to shut the hell up because I won't tell you what's in the documents. You will shut the hell up because you can do nothing about it. So I guess," he said, smiling easily. "-that answers your question."

"Augustus should know who you really are-" I grimaced disgustedly but he cut me.

"But he knows, Julius. He knows. I'm just keeping him away. I'm protecting him." He smiled and I laughed humorlessly.

"I guess you failed somehow," I hissed, leaning forward to intimidate him. "You couldn't protect him from me, his brother."

"Half-brother," he corrected, cleared his throat, then smiled. "But, that's okay," he then said, waving his hand dismissively. "He will never see you again. I mean, don't think because you're blood-related that you can get close and all that. That'd be pathetic. I mean Augustus won't even associate with your likes. He knows better."

If he only knew how close we were. But maybe I was pretending that too.

"I hope he loves you the same way you love him," I said, staring into his dark-brown eyes intently and smiling twistedly. "I really do."

Father shifted a bit, pinched his nose once, then smiled. "I hope so too. Because you know, it would hurt me. As a father. Oh, wait-" He stopped, opened his mouth, and then rubbed his chin. "You were never a father, were you? I don't think you'd understand this pain. The pain of losing a son or a daughter to someone. Or something."

I was taken aback by his vague yet close to home words. "Thanks to you," I said, grinning until it hurt.

"Anytime, son," he retorted with a deep breath as he got up and looked down at me. "I think I should leave now that I've delivered my message. You better start working on it." He then adjusted his suit before heading toward the door with men followed. How many? Ten? It took him ten of his men to talk with me. His son. Maybe I should've laughed at this.

"Oh-" he declared, turning to me. "I'll be watching you very closely. Try not to go...astray."

"Why? Don't you trust me?"

He chuckled, not even looking at me. "Not my sentimental, pathetic son, no. After all, once bitten, twice shy." He smiled before exiting the room, and soon the suite with his ten bulk, black-suited men.

I then got up and angrily knocked over the chair I sat on. I was beyond furious. I was betrayed and actually scared. Not for me. I was scared of me. Scared that maybe I was pretending. I was scared because my plan had terribly failed. And that the girl -I tried so hard to help- was dead. And that this might be the fate of the girl that I might not find any time soon to 'protect'. Or at least try.

After aimlessly roaming around the room and smoking a cigarette, I sat on the couch Father sat on and held my head in my hands. I had to look for someone who was blind, had a lawyer for a dead father, who was about my age, and whose name was...Sam?

I frowned in deep focus, suddenly feeling a bubble of uneasiness expand in my chest.

Oh Lord- What if that wasn't her name? What if I'd misheard it? Then a memory flashed in front of my eyes.

'"He didn't reply. He smiled. And I knew was losing control and needed a new strategy. I remembered all the information Father told me about him and sighed, pulling out a card I didn't have any other choice but to pull.

"Your daughter. I will find her. I will ki-" I was then stopped by his widened eyes and hands that found my arm.

"Not her-" He begged, eyes unblinking and alert.

"I will find her so very easily-" I continued undeterred, removing my arm from his filthy grasp. "-and I will make her pay-"

"Oh, not Sam-" He whimpered. "Please. No."

Hm. Sam."′

He definitely said Sam, I remembered, but fear gripped my guts as realization dawned on me. He wasn't really trying to say 'Sam', was he? He was trying to say...′Samara'?

What if that was the case? The man was dying and the name is long. It made perfect sense. I sat up at the realization. It was her. Samara. She was blind, about my age, had a dead father, a lawyer. And...her anklet, I sat down again, almost gasping at the memory.

'"' I unwrapped my burger and began eating it hungrily. I was staring all the while at the girl's tapping feet and the anklet she wore that kept jingling. It was a silver anklet with many charms. There were the letters 'S' and 'R', elegantly surrounded by tiny, dangling sapphire jewels.'"'

S for Samara and R for Ricardo. Samara Ricardo Murd.

But how could I be sure? I had to see her again. I had to ask her lots of questions. I had to protect her too. Then I'd use her to get the documents. Then I'd use those documents against Father.

But Father would be monitoring me. How could I meet her without raising suspicion? How could I explain it to her? How could I explain my sudden interest in her dead father and some documents? How would I tell her about the reason her father died? How would she accept it? How would I tell her that I was the one who killed her father?

No. You don't have to tell her that, Julius- I thought.

My heart was beating fast at the impossibility of my situation. How could I protect her from Father? What if one of his men already saw her? But wait- they didn't know ′the girl's′ real name.

There was only one way around this. One way only.

Samara must regain her vision if she was the one. And I'd have to convince her to do so. How would she respond to my sudden reappearance in her life? And how would she accept me after having neglected her for so long?- were a mystery to me.

I just hoped she'd forgive me. If not for my sake, for her life's sake.