4 3. Lung Cancer

Silence. A soft thud and my world came crashing down.

I opened my eyes and Audrey -oh, Audrey- was sprawled on the ground like a discarded, doll, bleeding from its chest. Audrey was shot in the chest.

In front of my eyes.

In front of my eyes.

In front of my eyes.

I heaved myself up, ignoring the haziness I felt from the blood pooling out of my shoulder and staggered dangerously toward her body. It was too cold and I thought my head was going to fall off my neck. But it was probably because I wasn't thinking clearly. No, no, I wasn't even thinking.

Because this wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't how it was supposed to end.

I collapsed in front of her shaking body on my knees, too shocked to even react properly. So I used my good, terribly numb hand to remove the cloth from her mouth and watched her breathe frantically as her teary eyes landed on mine.

And I thought something happened to my lungs. They weren't functioning properly. And I wondered if I really should quit smoking. Because this was it. This was lung cancer, bronchitis, and emphysema all at once.

I held her with my good arm quickly and pulled her closer to me. "God. No." I breathed as I watched the bloodstain on her white shirt widen like a rose blossoming in spring.

But no, Audrey, it was winter. No.

"No, no-" Audrey's eyes were fluttering helplessly. "Audrey, love, no." The words were gushing nonstop now as the realization of what just happened hit me. "Hey, hey, don't you do that, love, please." Her head tilted away from me like a wilted flower and I painfully used my left hand's fingers to let her face me.

She inhaled sharply. "I preg-pregnant-" She then choked out with a painful cough that took my breath away.

"What?" I breathed, my eyes widening. "What? No-" I was spluttering out as my mind raced marathons in my head. Marathons of how worse this could get. "You're pregnant?" Like, pregnant, pregnant? Like 'I-was-going-to-be-a-father' kind of pregnant?

"It's moving inside-" She inhaled with difficulty, her chest dramatically heaving up and down with every word she uttered. "I'm scared, Caesar. I'm so scared-"

And all I could do was shake my head, because- What are you scared of? Don't be silly. There's absolutely nothing to be scared of. I'm right here, baby.

"I'm scared it'll stop moving, Caesar-" Tears tumbled down her porcelain cheeks as her eyes closed.

I was sure that I should be dead, because her words? Her pain? Those were a million bullets to my heart.

"Hey! Hey, baby look at me! Look at me!" I whispered frantically, feeling my heart shatter and my eyes swim in tears as I pulled her closer to my chest. "Love-"

"It hurts. It hurts. It hurts-" She chanted with so much serenity it almost killed me. My lips quivered as I watched tears slide down the sides of her face. "I want you...happy-" She rasped, coughing out blood and wincing.

My eyes widened and tears fell. I wiped away her tears with shaky fingers and smiled. "I want you happy too-" I said, not letting her eyes go.

"I am. I am dying next to you. In your...arm-ms. Lo-love you-"

I tightened my hold on her and kissed her forehead. I remember crying like a baby then. "I love you so, so, so much. So so much Audrey. I love you. Please-"

"Revenge. Live...proud-" She spluttered the last words before shutting up and simply staring into my eyes. I kept staring into hers in disbelief. Was that it? Was she really going to...leave me? Just like that?

"It stopped moving-" She then whispered with wide eyes and a quavering voice before her body gave a final shudder and sighed to death.

The light in her eyes disappeared, taking the light out of my life.

I looked at her beautiful face one last time. The tears she had just shed. The blood that was once in her. The blood that kept her and me alive. The baby I would've had. I shut her eyes with shaky, bloody fingers.

I felt like the whole world just crumpled up and punched me in the stomach. I closed my eyes and screwed my face in pain. And no, it wasn't physical at all. The pain that bullet inflicted was nothing compared to this scorching burn. This hurt.

I cried and moaned like I never did before. I don't remember how long I stayed there, holding her lifeless body in my good arm, close to my chest and heart, my forehead against hers, burying my face in her hair to breathe her in.

I held her plump, lifeless, cold hand and raised it to my lips to kiss it over and over again. But what was the use? She was forever gone. Gone forever.

At one point, darkness took over, and it couldn't have been more welcome.

The sound of something beeping woke me up.

I opened my eyes, sat up and slowly captured everything around me with my eyes. The huge glass window in front of me. The huge bed I was lying on. The machines connected to my body.

I blinked and tried moving my cast left arm, but a jolt of pain shot through it. Then the memories returned crashing, pulling my body down to the bed and my head to an impossibly soft pillow.

I remembered Audrey dying and felt my eyes water up at her loss. She, the only exception to my number one rule of never getting close to anyone. The only one who understood me. The only one who revived me with emotion I never knew I was capable of.

Audrey, I thought miserably, was too good to be true. Audrey's death was all my fault.

I shook my head on my pillow and brought my right hand to my eyes as I let out a whimper. Father successfully broke me again.

But this was different. He destroyed me. He knew my weakness and used it to kill me. I lost my lover and baby. I lost the only thing which I thought was definite in my life. I lost the thing that I thought only I had control over. I lost the only normalcy in my life.

And it drove me crazy because when I thought about it, it all traced back to me. If Audrey hadn't met me, she would've been living now. With a person more worthy of her.

Father knew how to constantly remind me of where I stood. He knew no mercy when he saw me sob my heart out over my love's death.

I should know no mercy in my retaliation, I thought to myself, clenching my right fist and breathing through my nose in sudden anger and bitterness. Anger that originated from the deep grief that planted itself in my heart folds. Anger that was watered by my despair and utter self-disappointment.

I removed my hair from my eyes and frowned, feeling defeated, helpless. Weak, even. How could I live with myself after that? After being the reason behind the death of two innocent souls?

But who am I to even have a say in this?- I reminded myself. Wasn't I the one who stole death's cloak and took away people's souls whenever Father thought it was appropriate? I never mourned them. I let other people do that part. Feel that part.

That was how it felt to lose a loved one to death's twin (murder). It felt like I was spending seconds stretched into agonizing hours, trapped in a cycle of regret and useless, draining anger.

My desire for revenge was painful. Father had to pay for this lost love.

I sat up, determined and angry, and detached myself from all the wires connected to me. I was caught off guard by a 'beep-beep-beep' that reverberated in the empty corners of my mind before I quickly got to my feet, threw the door open with my right hand and ran through the corridor as the nurses came rushing in from the other direction.

I used the stairs and was soon out in the cold, crisp air in a plain, full-sleeved white shirt and blue-striped pyjama pants. I probably looked like a madman with my barefoot, but that didn't matter. All I wanted to do was head to Audrey's house to gather my supplies and just mourn her loss for a while.

I walked quickly, knowing my directions very well. And when I reached, I strode into the house which needed either my or Audrey's fingerprints. I clicked the door closed behind me and went upstairs where I found the room turned upside down.

They were probably looking for where she worked to reach her. And they did. And I wondered if Audrey really properly closed the door before leaving for work because it was almost impossible to break into this house.

Trust the world on what you care about- was what she told me, not knowing she'd be dead hours after saying that. She didn't know that it was my world she was talking about. My world.

How Father got to know where I had been and with whom, was a mystery to me. He couldn't have possibly tracked me down.

But then I thought of everything I possessed. Nothing was his. Nothing except for the Mustang he gave me as a gift when I was just nineteen.

I breathed deeply, sat on the bed's edge and clenched my fists, feeling my chest tighten. This was getting way out of my league and quick action was in order.

I decided to book a flight to London, already having had a plan figured out. Because if Father thought he had everything he wanted, I wanted to prove him wrong and succeed this time.

I changed my clothes into something warmer and glanced at my watch. It was two in the morning, but I felt restless, knowing that even if I tried to sleep, I couldn't. I would keep thinking of Audrey and the baby we would've had if it weren't for Father.

Hatred won't get you anywhere, I reminded myself. I needed a clear mind, not one too busy with hatred to act.

I pocketed a lot of money and my visa card, packed my laptop because I had a lot of research to do, and headed to the dresser where Audrey kept all the pictures we took together. I picked the album, but it slipped from my right hand to the ground as black and white pictures spilt from it, grabbing my attention.

I slowly knelt down on the floor and examined them.

My eyes widened and watered without permission. Ultrasound pictures. Of course. Break my heart more.

I couldn't waste a second being sentimental if I could use it to do something. So I sniffed, clenched my jaws, looked away, and placed the pictures in the pocket in the front of my leather jacket. The one closest to my heart.

I held the album and took two pictures. One in which I was kissing Audrey's cheek as she grinned, her eyes squeezed shut. In the other, I was smiling at the camera while she smiled at me.

My heart sank involuntarily, knowing that those days were no more. That now Audrey was no more than a memory. A happy, sad, beautiful one. No more.

I inhaled deeply and climbed down the stairs. I was ready to take that journey for them and myself.

I took a cab to the airport and got my tickets for the flight leaving to London in half an hour. I waited for those thirty minutes to pass with my brain and memories as my inevitable companions.

I hated that. Still do.

But I was soon on the plane ready to go to London. Ready to do things I knew I never did. Things like meeting people and tricking them until I got to Sam and her documents.

I was getting ready to watch Father come to his knees when I'd get the documents. I would watch him crumble and would do nothing about it.

Just like he did to me.