84 Diary: Memories From The Youth 2
(Han's POV)
When I said that to my father, he made a dumbfound face, they were all confused. He asked me again, "Hanzo, my son, don't you remember anything?"
I looked at the man in front of me and began to frown even more. I said to him, "I'm...not Hanzo, I'm...Han."
My father consults my changing behavior to the doctor and he said that perhaps due to shock from an unfortunate incident. Thus, led him to lose some of his memories and subconsciously reject the name of Hanzo. He advised the parent so that they need to cooperate with Hanzo's behavior until he'll get better.
But that was not the case. I as Han knew Hanzo personality well. He was suffering from his shock and recuperate inside me. In short, he suffered DID[1] or Personality Disorder and I 'was' his double personality.
I didn't tell my parent about that stuff until the last incident with my father, later in my high school year. It was a secret that I kept from my parent at that time, except for some people who accidentally knows it.
Therefore, yes, this was the story before Han's personality merge with Hanzo's personality and became one person. That is me, the new Hanzo or should I say Han, now.
...
Han or I, Hanzo's double personality who was born from his shocked and became his split personality which was different from the original. It was all to protect him from his cowardness, yes, I thought like that.
But, it was true.
My father and my mother didn't realize my changes. They thought I was just feeling afraid or confused and denied everything that happened to me. So, they didn't feel suspicious at all.
The 'act' keep going until I was a teenager.
Hanzo didn't want to come out. He started to hate himself more when his parent announced that his grandmother, passed away. She died not because of the last incident, it was due to a heart attack. She died the same way as her husband.
In that sad time, where people mourning to her grave. I as Hanzo replace him to attend the funeral. I didn't cry because I didn't feel attached to her. But, Hanzo kept blaming himself. He said, "My grandma was dead because I killed her, I killed her, I killed her."
Inside the black space, I looked at him without any emotion and began to frown. He was holding his knee and crying. I felt sorry for him but at the same time, I didn't understand why he behaves like this? He wasn't the one who killed her.
He didn't want to be himself again and stay there in the dark place. While I was doing his activities outside.
After the funeral, my family pick up me and moved to Osaka again. My mother stays with me while my father went back overseas. He was still doing his mission.
At that time, he rushed over to Japan, abandoning his unsettled mission, when he heard his mother and son was in the hospital. It was the same for my mother. She started to cry when I lay on the hospital bed and couldn't remember her or father.
In one year, I recover my body slowly and living as a normal boy in elementary school. But it seems I couldn't make any friends. The girls started hovering to my side, but I always showed my scary expression and it led them to cry or ran away.
No one wanted to be my friends.
I didn't know why but I always subconsciously showed the frown face to them, maybe my instinct tells me that some of the people who get near me, sometimes showed a double meaning intention.
In short, they have something they want for me. Wanted to try, taking advantages of me as general son or heir of Asuzawa group and etc.
In the same time, I began to develop to not trust a female. Except, for the one, I truly care about. Like my mother and my baby sister who was born after I moved to Osaka.
Every time someone approaches me, I put my guard and wall up to surround me for people to not intruding my personal space. That was the reason, the reason I didn't have friends. I was okay with it.
But Hanzo wasn't.
As days, months, years passed by. He still had that six-year-old personality, while I grew up and became mature than him. But, Hanzo, still had that understanding capability faster than mine and I could see he finally calm down and didn't blame himself anymore. (For now)
He was becoming cheerful again, but the same spoiled child still inside of him.
He was actually a good kid and he cares about people. He was really good at talking and soon became chatter. He once scolds me for being anti-social.
I was a little glad about his recovery but in the same, worried. 'Am I going to disappear soon?' I thought.
When I asked him if he wanted to change with me, he still said, no. He wasn't ready yet. He will come out when he finished, shorting his feeling, he still had that fear of the memory of his grandmother. He wanted to erase it too. But in truth, the memories will always stay there, somewhere concealed, even though he tries to cease it away.
Until now, at 28 years old. I could still remember the incident with my grandmother, but the difference was I could handle it much better than before.
...
I met Stevan and Laura when I was eight years old. My mother was worried that I didn't have close friends, judging from my scary expression. She was afraid that I'll be lonely. So, she introduces me to Stevan and Laura. Their families were the same as me, a military family.
My first impression of Stevan was a smug kid and Laura was a typical 'princess-wannabe' girl. I could see that Stevan like Laura and he didn't like me because I was best at everything at school. It pricks his motivation to compete with me more. But, I always beat him. I didn't really see a big deal with it. But he always makes a fuss from it.
They played with me every day and Hanzo inside me became motivated to go out. One day Hanzo suddenly take over the body. He played with Stevan and Laura. I stayed there inside and watching him running around the park or somewhere.
Hanzo only went outside when he wanted to play or having fun.
In Asuzawa's summer cottage, I and Stevan went to the secret waterfall which was Asuzawa private property. He confessed that someday if he finds someone he loves he'll take it here. At that moment Han as Hanzo inside the body.
Hanzo was tired from playing so he was sleeping inside the black space. At that moment I heard Stevan voice beside me and It leaves me a cold sweat.
He said, "You change again? Where's that other boy inside you?"
"!!!" (Han)
Stevan knew the changes in my body. He was confused at first, the boy he first met was always showed his scary expression, cautious, and didn't like to stay with other people. The same as the first time they played, he didn't show any intention to join. But one day, this boy, starting to get hype to play with them and he smiled a lot.
Laura didn't notice but Stevan noticed. He wasn't dumb. In the end, I could only say to him, "Just treat me the same and don't ask further."
Hanzo using the body frequently. He played with Stevan and Laura, jumping and laughing on the seesaw. A reminder came surface to his heart and mind. He hopes he could be better again. Nothing to fear, nothing to hide.
He also wished for me to not exist anymore.
I heard his thought and I couldn't help to feel menaced by it.
...
When I was nine years old, Laura moved away and Hanzo was sad. He was anticipating to play again with her. But, I couldn't care less about her.
Until one day I met her again in high school with my condition became unstable.
I was fighting with Hanzo.
He wanted the body back, but I didn't let him.
[1] Dissociative identity disorde
When I said that to my father, he made a dumbfound face, they were all confused. He asked me again, "Hanzo, my son, don't you remember anything?"
I looked at the man in front of me and began to frown even more. I said to him, "I'm...not Hanzo, I'm...Han."
My father consults my changing behavior to the doctor and he said that perhaps due to shock from an unfortunate incident. Thus, led him to lose some of his memories and subconsciously reject the name of Hanzo. He advised the parent so that they need to cooperate with Hanzo's behavior until he'll get better.
But that was not the case. I as Han knew Hanzo personality well. He was suffering from his shock and recuperate inside me. In short, he suffered DID[1] or Personality Disorder and I 'was' his double personality.
I didn't tell my parent about that stuff until the last incident with my father, later in my high school year. It was a secret that I kept from my parent at that time, except for some people who accidentally knows it.
Therefore, yes, this was the story before Han's personality merge with Hanzo's personality and became one person. That is me, the new Hanzo or should I say Han, now.
...
Han or I, Hanzo's double personality who was born from his shocked and became his split personality which was different from the original. It was all to protect him from his cowardness, yes, I thought like that.
But, it was true.
My father and my mother didn't realize my changes. They thought I was just feeling afraid or confused and denied everything that happened to me. So, they didn't feel suspicious at all.
The 'act' keep going until I was a teenager.
Hanzo didn't want to come out. He started to hate himself more when his parent announced that his grandmother, passed away. She died not because of the last incident, it was due to a heart attack. She died the same way as her husband.
In that sad time, where people mourning to her grave. I as Hanzo replace him to attend the funeral. I didn't cry because I didn't feel attached to her. But, Hanzo kept blaming himself. He said, "My grandma was dead because I killed her, I killed her, I killed her."
Inside the black space, I looked at him without any emotion and began to frown. He was holding his knee and crying. I felt sorry for him but at the same time, I didn't understand why he behaves like this? He wasn't the one who killed her.
He didn't want to be himself again and stay there in the dark place. While I was doing his activities outside.
After the funeral, my family pick up me and moved to Osaka again. My mother stays with me while my father went back overseas. He was still doing his mission.
At that time, he rushed over to Japan, abandoning his unsettled mission, when he heard his mother and son was in the hospital. It was the same for my mother. She started to cry when I lay on the hospital bed and couldn't remember her or father.
In one year, I recover my body slowly and living as a normal boy in elementary school. But it seems I couldn't make any friends. The girls started hovering to my side, but I always showed my scary expression and it led them to cry or ran away.
No one wanted to be my friends.
I didn't know why but I always subconsciously showed the frown face to them, maybe my instinct tells me that some of the people who get near me, sometimes showed a double meaning intention.
In short, they have something they want for me. Wanted to try, taking advantages of me as general son or heir of Asuzawa group and etc.
In the same time, I began to develop to not trust a female. Except, for the one, I truly care about. Like my mother and my baby sister who was born after I moved to Osaka.
Every time someone approaches me, I put my guard and wall up to surround me for people to not intruding my personal space. That was the reason, the reason I didn't have friends. I was okay with it.
But Hanzo wasn't.
As days, months, years passed by. He still had that six-year-old personality, while I grew up and became mature than him. But, Hanzo, still had that understanding capability faster than mine and I could see he finally calm down and didn't blame himself anymore. (For now)
He was becoming cheerful again, but the same spoiled child still inside of him.
He was actually a good kid and he cares about people. He was really good at talking and soon became chatter. He once scolds me for being anti-social.
I was a little glad about his recovery but in the same, worried. 'Am I going to disappear soon?' I thought.
When I asked him if he wanted to change with me, he still said, no. He wasn't ready yet. He will come out when he finished, shorting his feeling, he still had that fear of the memory of his grandmother. He wanted to erase it too. But in truth, the memories will always stay there, somewhere concealed, even though he tries to cease it away.
Until now, at 28 years old. I could still remember the incident with my grandmother, but the difference was I could handle it much better than before.
...
I met Stevan and Laura when I was eight years old. My mother was worried that I didn't have close friends, judging from my scary expression. She was afraid that I'll be lonely. So, she introduces me to Stevan and Laura. Their families were the same as me, a military family.
My first impression of Stevan was a smug kid and Laura was a typical 'princess-wannabe' girl. I could see that Stevan like Laura and he didn't like me because I was best at everything at school. It pricks his motivation to compete with me more. But, I always beat him. I didn't really see a big deal with it. But he always makes a fuss from it.
They played with me every day and Hanzo inside me became motivated to go out. One day Hanzo suddenly take over the body. He played with Stevan and Laura. I stayed there inside and watching him running around the park or somewhere.
Hanzo only went outside when he wanted to play or having fun.
In Asuzawa's summer cottage, I and Stevan went to the secret waterfall which was Asuzawa private property. He confessed that someday if he finds someone he loves he'll take it here. At that moment Han as Hanzo inside the body.
Hanzo was tired from playing so he was sleeping inside the black space. At that moment I heard Stevan voice beside me and It leaves me a cold sweat.
He said, "You change again? Where's that other boy inside you?"
"!!!" (Han)
Stevan knew the changes in my body. He was confused at first, the boy he first met was always showed his scary expression, cautious, and didn't like to stay with other people. The same as the first time they played, he didn't show any intention to join. But one day, this boy, starting to get hype to play with them and he smiled a lot.
Laura didn't notice but Stevan noticed. He wasn't dumb. In the end, I could only say to him, "Just treat me the same and don't ask further."
Hanzo using the body frequently. He played with Stevan and Laura, jumping and laughing on the seesaw. A reminder came surface to his heart and mind. He hopes he could be better again. Nothing to fear, nothing to hide.
He also wished for me to not exist anymore.
I heard his thought and I couldn't help to feel menaced by it.
...
When I was nine years old, Laura moved away and Hanzo was sad. He was anticipating to play again with her. But, I couldn't care less about her.
Until one day I met her again in high school with my condition became unstable.
I was fighting with Hanzo.
He wanted the body back, but I didn't let him.
[1] Dissociative identity disorde
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