83 Diary: Memories From The Youth 1

(Han's POV)

Hanzo. Hanzo Asuzawa. That was the first name that I got since I was born. My grandfather left a will to his first son, Nobuo Asuzawa, to name his grandchildren. He said "If it is a boy, he will be named, Hanzo. If it is a girl she will be named, Hana." Long after that, a baby boy was born and I gained Hanzo as my name.

But in the future, it was more than just my old name.

The earliest memories I could remember was when my father, Nobuo Asuzawa, need to leave the country somewhere far with my mother. When I tried to ask why they didn't permit me to come with them? They said that I will feel happier here, in Japan with my grandmother.

At that time I was still a child and I didn't know anything about the world or country affair. In short, my father leaves because of his military works.

He had a reason, of course. For not taking me with them, let just say, it was something related to my safety.

My mother left too because she didn't want to separate far from my father. If the country my father appointed to which was near Japan, it was okay perhaps, but the problem was, it wasn't. Thus, my mother determines herself to come with my father and she knows what difficulty she will face on, but she wasn't afraid.

My father was a general, it was easy for him to take care of my mother's problem citizenship.

For one year they leave me alone with grandmother and a few servants. In that one year, sometimes I tried to ask grandmother to play with me but always got rejected by her.

She said that I was being spoiled too much by my father. She didn't like my attitude to playing all the time, she scolds me to study.

In the truth that wasn't the real reason. My grandmother wasn't that fond of me. She always looked at me sometimes with a disgusted expression, but she didn't hate my origin which mix of half local half foreigner. She simply hates my mother and I am, my mother's child.

It reminded her of my father ex-girlfriend who was a foreigner too, who betrayed him because she was cheating on his back. My grandmother was still feeling contempt for her son's ex-girlfriend which ends with a result, hatred or dislikes toward my mother, then, toward me. She thought all foreigner was the same just like my father's ex-girlfriend.

But when we were gathered together as a family with my mother and father, my grandmother will quickly cover her dislike face with a smile, trying to hide it from her beloved son and she succeeds in doing that.

My grandmother was a conservative lady and very traditional. She had the same personality as my grandfather. Strict, tough and a strong woman. Because she practiced several martial arts before.

She taught me kendo[1] because it was her specialty. I was a too weak and spoiled brat at that time and I always throw tantrum with her. When I was alone with her I always get scold and beat by a bamboo sword to get work out, because I was a lazy kid.

She just wanted me to be more discipline, but I refused it. I was simply five years old child at that time. I whined to her again and the result was with me getting beat up more.

The servants didn't say anything. Because they were all afraid of her. I once tried to report this to my parent, but the phone line was cut by her. I couldn't escape. Since then I tried to be obedient to her.

At six years old, I should go to my elementary school already but, I stayed at home, homeschooling. In that period of time, I didn't make friends or should I say I didn't have friends, to begin with!

I started to get lonely and annoying each day. I couldn't contact my parent, I didn't know how they were, I want to do this and to do that, but grandma forbids me too.

After my tutor was gone, she would call me and began to hit my back because I wasn't listening to my tutor lessons.

Why did she beat me so much? Why did she always target me? I said helplessly inward.

I didn't have a strong memory, to begin with, but I had a great understanding since a child, so I could master the subjects at a fast speed. Although I didn't pay attention to the tutor, I could learn it by myself and master it alone later with no trouble.

I talked with my grandmother about my capability and she mocks me to be overconfident.

Until one day she stops scolding or hitting me. She became quiet all of the sudden. She cried a lot and called her late husband, my grandfather's name.

She suffered from dementia.

I never saw her became like this. Before, she was fierce and demon old lady. But now she kept forgetting things and couldn't walk normally. Thus, she stayed on the bed. I only looked at her and visit her a 'few' times. The number you could count by one hand.

But one thing I was glad. I was free from her grips and craziness. I was relieved.

The servants would be taking care of her and I always tried to avoid her sometimes. I was still scared, that's why. Scared that she would beat me again. But no, she didn't do anything to me.

She couldn't talk clearly and couldn't recognize me anymore.

I was happy at that time and I felt my burden was lifted.

But.

It changes.

Since that day.

I was feeling dead inside.

I.

I was still six years old at that time.

That I accidentally... killed my grandmother.

Everything felt like a nightmare at that moment.

...

When she was in no condition being called normal. I let my self roam around the small town we lived in. I made a few friends with the kids from the neighborhood and few adults who keep giving me a free snack along the way.

I just felt happy to be free. I didn't know how many times I said that words. Because I was sincere about that feeling.

One day after I was done practicing my kendo--which become a habit. In that house only four servants to serve us. Coincidently, only two left in the house because the other had errand outside the house. I was called to go to my grandmother's room because she needs something from me.

The servant who just delivers her order left the Japanse dojo and went to her duties at the kitchen. I went outside from the dojo and looked at the sky which turns cloudy and a little windy. Is it going to rain? I thought.

I wonder why I felt the hallway was so long and a bad omen coming out to surface inside my heart. I couldn't help to feel goosebump, but I quickly divert away from the feeling. I entered the paper door lead to my grandmother's room.

She was looking at a window while her servant was trying to feed her food. She grabs the food and spoiled it to the servant's face. She shouted, "Imbecile fool! How dare you feed me with this garbage!"

She slaps the servant, pull her hair and slam her head to the table beside her, few times. I heard the loud sound and move my leg to that servant side, helping her. But she was fainting from it. I could see blood flowing from her head.

I shouted to grandmother, "Grandma! Please calm down! Here! Hanzo is here!"

Suddenly she started to cry hysterically and called her husband name. Her white hair was messy and I could see her grabbing and pulling her hair. She kept mumbling, "Hanzo? Who? Where am I...Where is my husband?"

Suddenly she looked at me and saw my blue eyes. She screamed and I was trying to get away from her, but the next second she threw things to my direction and crashed a vase near her.

I got hit by thick books and led me to fall on the tatami floor. How can you expect me to block thick books which were bigger than my own head?

I saw the servant, laying moveless, and my grandmother who grabs wakizashi[2] beside her bed!

She shouted at me while crying, "Because of you! My husband was dead! Because of you! My son was hurt! If only you didn't like my son and run away with him. My husband wouldn't die!"

I was confused by her words, I didn't understand her. Why was it my fault?

'Is this grandma? Why she looks like a crazy woman?' I thought.

She strode to my direction while unsheathing her sword! My eyes were open wide and I unconsciously walking backward. I staggered to get up and she pulls my shirt to face her and swing her sword to my face!

But It didn't slash me.

I rolled quickly and kick her leg so she could fall! When she fell, I began to crawl to the door. My leg was weak and I couldn't think straight at that moment. My only goal was to escape from there!

I was so afraid that sweat covers my body and palm. As if a nailed pin down to my leg, and the door which it seems far away from my spot. I couldn't move the way I wanted.

My grandmother gets up quickly and started to pull me again. She kicks me and I rolled to the wall. My back was hurt and I felt I wanted to faint. I looked at my grandmother crying face holding her short sword.

At that moment, I screamed that I don't want to die! I don't want to die yet!

With the strength I got, unconsciously, I began to run towards the door. Holding my right arm and strode with my shaking leg. She kept mumbling, "Where am I? Where's my husband? You murdered my husband! Hanzo...Hanzo..."

I ignored her and tried to run towards the door. But. Before I could do that.

Shaah!

Her sword slashed my back. Three times. Leaving a nasty scar like an animal claw.

I stumble on the ground and blood coming out from my back. I could feel how deep it was and I was gasping through my mouth. I could feel that she was there behind me, looking at me. I heard she muttered my name and a sword started to move again!

'I'll die! If it's like this, I can't help but die!' I shouted inwardly.

I saw the thick book which was the one who hit me earlier and started to grab it, struggling. With my last strength, I flip my body and block her sword pierce. I kicked her leg and she stumbles again from the fall!

But this time, she didn't respond.

I was gasping and blood coughing from my mouth. I looked at the blood in my hand and saw my grandmother, moveless on the ground. "Grandma...grandma...grand...ma," I muttered.

I collapsed to her body and I could feel my body was hurting. The last thing before I lost my consciousness to darkness, I could hear a woman screaming and it was probably the other servant in the house.

That was the beginning of my changes.

...

One week later, I woke up, laying on the bed hospital. I could feel my heart and my surround changing. I didn't remember anything that just happened to me. A man and a woman came to my side, crying and hugging me when I woke up. They called themselves. My parent.

"Hanzo, are you alright? do you remember...something?" the man was asking me. But, I couldn't help to not understand his question. Remember something?

I held my head, confusedly. When I heard the name of Hanzo, a memory of an old woman carrying a wakizashi sword while calling Hanzo name came to surface. My body unconsciously trembling. The man saw my hurtful face and held my shoulder with concerned.

I wag his hand from my shoulder and said with a scary frowning expression, "I don't know who is this Hanzo you talked about. But, my name is Han."

I was still six years old when the incident happened.

[1] Kendo: Traditional martial arts for practicing swordsmanship. Commonly used with a bamboo sword and protective armor.

[2] Wakizashi: Japanese short sword; a small version of katana sword.