45 A Life Without Her 3

-Fan Daiyu-

I don't know what overcame me.

At the sight of such darkness. At the sight of that rope.

A slight sense of silence seemed eternal like an endless darkness where nothing existed except for boundless stillness. So stagnant, so calm… so infuriating that it almost drove me mad.

It make me soulless…

It made me dumbfounded…

For some time my head was empty. I didn't know what to think or how to react.

The rope's slight sway every now and then was like a mock reminding me of my newly discovered past. It seemed to tell me:

-You haven't changed. Still unable to keep what you love. Still unable to grasp what you want. Still unable to change the seemingly unchangeable fate that loomed over your past lives. Still incompetent. Still useless.

You're still a brainless idiot. A complete TRASH.

Incapable of anything worth noticing.-

Turmoil coursed through my veins as a small voice pathetically called out "mercy".

I didn't know when it happened but my face was already wet with burning tears. Blood seemed to rush to my head and heat up my chest.

'Badum…..Badum….Badum…Badum..Badum.Badum.'

My heart began to inexplicably swell and tickle irritably. Surprisingly I remember this familiar emotion too well. It had followed me throughout all my lifetimes.

I couldn't stop it. It was such an overwhelming emotion.

It was pure rage. Pure hatred.

Hatred towards everything but mostly… hatred towards myself.

It seemed all I was ever capable of was crying.

It was true I was a big idiot.

I still am.

Every time I think of my past lives it motivates me to believe I should grow stronger for those I love but now I realize how foolish I was.

Wasn't I "strong" during my first life?

That didn't change anything.

Now I don't even know why I wanted to grow strong when even them I completely useless.

Everything from my past lives followed me. My rebirth shouldn't have even occurred. I was doomed to suffering because of my own selfishness. I suffered my own consequences and I hate myself for it.

Seeing the suicidal thoughts that had been coursing through Bambi's head only me realize that everything has always been my fault.

But now I realize truly… how much hatred was hidden deep within my heart towards myself.

I didn't deserve to live but I still broke heavens rules.

I didn't deserve to ask for forgiveness yet I still forced my soul to have a second chance.

I didn't have the right to create this cycle and yet this is already my third life.

Is this the path I had chosen for my own "Nirvana"?

Did I believe myself to be Buddha?

"Haha.."

I'm such a big fool.

A complete joke.

..................

She burst into maniacal laughter that sent shivers down people's spines but only Mallory noticed the light reflected from her tears.

Only she could spectate the incredibly beautiful heartbreaking scene.

The young goddess who was always suffering but never showing it, always smiling to hide her pain, always comforting others despite her own sorrow stood facing the dark rope. Her long silver hair fell down her back shinning despite the lack of light as her head was thrown back facing the ceiling and her jade like arm reached up to cover her eyes.

She stood thin and frail looking as if she could disappear at any moment, hiding her desperate tears behind her thin arm, and biting her own cries back down.

However, no matter how the scene looked the feeling it gave in person was frightening. It was as if a demon had possessed the angel making it all the more terrifying.

The aura emanating from the young girl suppressed Mallory made her blood change course.

However what could she say when the young girl was laughing so pitifully and drowning in self mock and what seemed to be disgust.

Slowly the laughter died and Daiyu lowered her arm but her whole body faced the wall as shadows hid her countenance.

Her hoarse voice rung so pitifully, "What do you do when you feel so…broken…"

"What do you do when there's no way to mend your injury?

…What do you do when there's no way to stop the pain?

How do you live when you see no hope?

H-How did you wait for me for so long?

W-why? WHY DID YOU WAIT FOR ME?

WHY DO YOU TRUST ME? WHY? WHY? WHY?

….

Why, when I'm not worthy?"

The screams had become whispers of guilt, loathing, and boundless grief.

The silence extended. No one answered. It seemed as if no one ever would.

"I'm such a trash.

I'm so dirty. I'm disgusting."

The shock that had overtaken Mallory was immediately forgotten as outrage pumped into her veins.

"DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT ABOUT YOURSELF! I WAITED BECAUSE I KNEW YOU WOULD COME BACK.

HOW DARE YOU LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF! HOW DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF TRASH! HOW DARE YOU SAY I'VE BEEN LOOKING UP AT SOMEONE WHO'S MERELY A TRASH.

DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS DIRTY…DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE MY SAVIOR. DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE MY REASON TO LIVE?

THAT ROPE WAS HANGING BECAUSE I LOST YOU.

I LOST TIME

I LOST LIGHT

I LOST MY LIFE THE MOMENT YOU WENT MISSING.

I WAS SCARED EVERYDAY

I WAS HOPEFUL EVERYDAY

I WAITED LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW SEARCHING FOR YOUR SILHOUETTE

BECAUSE I KNEW

I knew the moment I saw you I would recognize you."

Mallory shook as she ran to hug the miss she had waited for, for so long. She reached out to comfort the girl who took her out of the pit of suffering.

"Every day was so dark and empty.

Hope seemed to seep out of our soul's everyday

The world started to lose its color and soon we all fell into depression.

The old man was the first to fall into the sadness.

He became a workaholic.

Only when you were gone did he realize how much he loved you

He saw you as his own daughter.

No…..

He loved you more than he loved his real daughter.

It only took a month and he was drunk on sorrows.

Three days after I locked myself up too.

Only Long Wei visited that treacherous place every day.

I knew very well what was happening outside despite being holed up.

I knew and I saw… how that hypocrite doted his daughter. I hated both of them.

She grew to be the most hateful girl and even then, he spoiled her rotten.

I almost vomited every time I saw them from afar.

My heart felt stifled with pain for you.

You would never understand how much you influenced us to the point of being our sun.

You were out bright star

But your light was snuffed out and we were left in disarray to fend for ourselves in all the darkness.

It was like being at the bottom of the sea with no way to hear, see, or breathe.

We were like small vulnerable fish exposed to the dark creatures hidden within the darkness without a path or goal.

Days felt like years and years felt like centuries.

Don't you dare put yourself down when you are our everything.

You feel broken? We felt dead.

But now we are together. Didn't you want to make yourself strong for your mother? Why have you lost your way?

If you truly lose you way and feel pain why can't you remember us.

Why don't you ever turn back to see that we were always behind you.

We will always be behind you.

If you feel broken, rely on us.

You can't fix your injury let us mend it. If you can't stop the pain we'll take it up for you.

If you're having trouble why do you always keep it to yourself?

Why can't you see?

We want to take up the burden with you!

Stop being so SELFISH!

You're not a god! You're not invincible! You're not always the hero! It can't always be just you.

We truly do …

Love you."