91 Survivor's Guil

Ash was in an excellent mood for the rest of the trip to San Francisco despite his messed up sleep schedule and the fact that he had to continue dressing suspiciously whenever he took Flora out to do anything. He had gotten what he thought was impossible.

Not entirely but that didn't matter. Ruby still didn't say she loved him using those exact words but he was too happy to be nitpicky about the details.

She was willing to be in a romantic relationship with him and that was more than he had ever dared hope for. He truly thought he would be forced to stay by her side as her friend for the rest of his life, taking whatever tiny scraps of affection he could get.

Now he could hold her hand, play with her hair, cuddle her to sleep, and kiss her whenever he wanted. Well, almost whenever he wanted. She refused to kiss him in front of Flora but that wasn't the end of the world. The little fairy didn't seem to have caught onto what changed yet.

Ash almost regretted going home at the end of their trip and going back to a more acceptable vampiric sleep schedule because it meant he would get to spend less time with his girlfriend. Ah, his girlfriend. He would never get tired of the word.

"How much were you able to make total?" he asked a few days after they got home as they were out in the garden.

Ruby examined some dead buds on a bush before pruning them away. "About thirteen million. It should be enough to buy at least a few dozen acres of land. I want to head up there and get started on construction as soon as possible but we did barely get back and that's a lot of traveling for Flora."

Flora perked up at the sound of her name and stopped messing with a nearby tree's branches using her powers. "Where do you wanna go this time? Is it fun like the last place?"

"I don't know if it's as fun as the last place but that trip should be shorter. Only a few days or so if I start the sale online and close in person after inspecting the property."

"…I dunno what that means."

Ruby laughed. She shouldn't have used such big words on one so young. "I want to go buy a bigger place for us to live with lots of trees and plants. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Would we still live in a castle? I like the castle."

"Yes, we would still live in a castle. You would have more space to play though," she said patiently.

"Oh. Okay!" Flora replied cheerfully before going back to what she was doing.

Ash smiled at the little fairy's antics. She had really grown on him during the time they spent alone together in San Francisco. He had already thought she was cute but getting to know her better when she wasn't all weepy helped.

He wondered how life had managed to get this good. He had cared deeply for his coven members but never felt this satisfied as coven leader. It was probably because he no longer had any responsibilities he hadn't personally chosen for himself.

Guilt crept in every now and then about the fact that he dared to be happy when everyone else was dead. Because he never would have found the peace he did with Ruby if they were still alive and he was stuck in a dead-end job he loathed.

He wanted to believe they would want him to be happy rather than being alone for the rest of eternity but couldn't be sure. They were dead. They couldn't say anything.

The thought continued bothering him for the rest of the day. When Flora was finally asleep Ruby confronted him about it.

"Alright, what's wrong this time?" she asked as she flew over and parked herself on his lap as he sat on a plush velvet couch.

"Survivor's guilt," Ash responded grimly. "I'm wondering why I should get to be happy when everyone else is dead. I never would have met you if they were still alive it's almost like I'm happy BECAUSE they're dead."

Ruby poked his cheek with a frown. "Don't talk like that! You had absolutely nothing to do with what happened and now you're trying to make the best of the lot you've been given. There's nothing wrong with that."

Her words soothed him but only slightly. What she said was rational yet he couldn't shake the feeling. So many vampires died in order for him to finally be able to do whatever he wanted.

Ash couldn't change that fact. One small comfort that her words strengthened was the idea that he never would have chosen this.

Even though he loved Ruby with all his heart, if he could go back and save them if it meant never meeting her he would do it without hesitation. He wouldn't sacrifice their lives for his happiness if he had been given a choice.

Maybe if he kept reminding himself of that the guilt would go away someday. Mere decades from now if he was lucky but centuries if he wasn't.

"You're right," Ash sighed. "I know you're right but I can't force myself to feel it, if that makes any sense."

Ruby sweetly pecked his lips and held either side of his face in her marbled hands. "I think it does. You really should stop beating yourself up though, hard as it may be. Do you need a distraction?"

"Please."

She resumed kissing him and they managed to get fairly passionate without him accidentally cutting her lip open this time. It appeared that their practice was paying off. Good. Ash thoroughly enjoyed kissing her and always hated when he accidentally hurt her in the process.

For a novice, Ruby was an excellent kisser. He also really, really liked the way she played with his hair when they did it.

He liked when she played with his hair period. There were now three little braids running through his otherwise stick straight hair and he had no intention of taking them out anytime soon. He could do without the flower crown Flora made for him yesterday though. Ruby ended up making the photo of that her new phone background to his great chagrin.